you know you're getting fat and old when...

so it's occured to me recently that though i don't FEEL or really think of myself as "fat" or "old", I'm starting to experience things that indicate I'm fatter and older than I'd like to admit.

Such as...

1) I was asked if i was pregnant. always a winner at the #1 spot. i wasn't terribly upset at the time, but the poor girl who asked me was mortified. it was more of a slow-burn of humiliation. how many other people had wondered the same thing but were too sensible to ask?!?! mental note: do 100 crunches a day
2) Skinny people generally don't HAVE to try on clothes. I used to NEVER try on clothes, unless it was a swimsuit or something like that. If it was a size x and i liked it, it was mine. Now each stupid tshirt needs to be tried on. 'does it make my stomach pooch?', 'does it make my ass look fat?' Puh-leeze. as if the poor factory slaves in southeast asia are deliberately sewing to highlight my gut and booty. they probably look at all the enormous clothes they make for us and think we're giant monsters.
3) I hate to shop. this is a new feeling. i used to love to look at clothes, think about clothes, and occasionally buy clothes. now i hate it. i hate shopping because i have to look at all the sleeveless tops and say, 'oh that woulda been cute about 15 pounds ago'
4) I dread summer. even living in the moderate northwest it gets hot. My summertime staples of sleeveless tops and shorts are loooooong gone. i'm now into capris and flowy tops...all to hide as much of my girth as possible. ugh. i don't even wear shorts to the gym--too much cellulite and jiggly thighs
5) I focus my attention on areas of my body that don't gain weight: nails, shoes and purses. i still stick with my absolute favorites, but i enjoy shoe/purse shopping. manicures and pedicures at my local little vietnam are essential. so far i haven't outgrown those, yet! yippee!
6) i used to buy makeup for fun: lipstick, eyeshadow, whatever. now when i buy makeup i'm more concerned with how it looks with my crows feet, bags under the eyes, forehead wrinkles etc. i never gave a thought to lipstick 'feathering'...you know what that means?!?! it's when the lipstick bleeds into the little tiny wrinkles around your lips. deeeee-lightful! not to worry, there's a product for that. along with the makeup 'primers' i now own to keep the makeup from settling into my 'laugh lines'. i used to need concealer only for zits. now it pretty much goes everywhere. soon i'll be like the old ladies at the walgreens asking for the 'pancake makeup stick'. i'll be trotting around the store with piles of it in my jiggly arms (old-lady 'wings')
7) i'm more interested in ladies magazines like real simple than cosmo. i really don't want to read about jessica biehl's sexy ab workout...tell me how to make rice pudding with ice cream (for reals!!!)
8) i used to say "there'll always be somebody skankier than you" when you go out. now i say "there'll always be somebody older and fatter than you" when I go out....if i ever go out. ho hum. forget skank--i've got the soccer-mom life but without the kids and responsibilities.
9) i find myself calling girls under 30 "little girls"...just like my mama did when i was a kid! "Oh, that little girl at Casual Corner said this blouse will be on sale next week". Replace "casual corner" and "blouse" with "target" and "giant muu muu" and it's exactly the same!!!
10) i have a LOT more understanding of the comic strip Cathy. She was always going on about shoes, dieting, her thighs, her pet and lasagna...no, that was garfield.

ok. gotta get a grip. i'll look back on this ass and age and say 'WTF was i crying about?!?!' just like i do at pictures of me at 25 when i pretty much would have said the same thing....
better go watch tv and eat cereal. just like a 6 year old! :)