The most wonderful time of the year...

So it has begun. It's officially Christmastime. Yeehaw! My favorite time of year. What I love as much as the food and seeing family and friends is the incessant holiday music everywhere I go.
Christmas music is probably my favorite musical genre. No matter how crappy you're feeling, if you hear that favorite holiday tune from your childhood, somehow you're transported to a Norman Rockwell-inspired false memory of Christmases past. Never mind that in reality Christmas was a season of almost non-stop stress, resentment and venom, in your mind it's all snowy cabins with otters and Rudolph.

Because of my love of Christmas music, I listen to the Christmas radio station most of the time I'm in my car..and at home. ANYhoooo, I consider myself to be a bit of a Christmas music expert. Here are some helpful tips for assembling your own Xmas Mix playlist...

BEWARE the following:
--"Let is Snow" by freakin Gloria Estefan. I generally can't stand her voice anyway, but when she assaults a perfectly nice song and adds an 80s Casio keyboard??? Turd-worthy.
--Mannheim Steamroller and/or Trans-Siberian Orchestra. It's ok in bits and pieces, but too much and it incites one to grab a New Yorker magazine and smack every last nerd off his "instrument". Especially when TSO starts the guitar solo. Rule of thumb: guitar riffs do NOT equal holiday cheer. duh.
--"This Christmas" by anyone. Awful. I love a little r&b as much as the next gal, but this song is just awful. Too much jazzy syncopation and just plain lame.
--The Beach Boys. They needed to stick to what they did best--surfer music and weed. "Little St. Nick"?!?! Who needs to hear "run run reindeer" 15 times in 2 minutes?!?!?
--"Wonderful Christmastime" by Paul McCartney. It's a well-known fact that SIR Paul has sucked for about 40 years now. One shudders to think about what the Beatles might have been, had they been left in the hands of only McCartney. This abomination of a song has all the soul-sucking power that only a McCartney s***-sandwich can generate. Again, it features a VERY dated Casio keyboard + a repetative chorus ("simply haaaaaving a wonderful christmastime") that tears at your earholes.
--"Feliz Navidad" by Jose Feliciano. Bless his heart, I know he's blind. But come ON! Surely he could have come up with a few more words for a song that lasts 18 minutes! I get it, Merry Christmas and Happy New Year...in SPANISH! Caramba!
--"Zat you, Santa Claus" by Louis Armstrong. ugh. This song just makes me anxious. In his voice it sounds ominous. Definitely NOT festive, just scary.
--Just stay away from these "artists" in general: AARON NEVILLE (unless you like that falsetto warble of his), James Taylor (just threw up in my mouf), Bon Jovi or Bruce Springsteen (unless you're from the east coast, in which case you lurv them).
--Also avoid anything with the words "smooth" and/or "jazz" before the word "Christmas" unless you're looking for a beat-down. There's a surprising amount of jazz Christmas music out there and I warn you now, it just sneaks in there! You're enjoying a perfectly normal sounding instrumental and all of a sudden the saxophone or brush-on-snare drum kick in and it's OVER!

This one is beyond bad. It's DANGEROUS!
--"Christmastime is here"(aka the Peanuts xmas song). HOLY CRAP git yer MEDS! If you suffer at ALL from any kind of depression, do NOT listen to this song. It's literally 6+ minutes of torture. I don't know if it's the minor key, the little kids moaning about christmastime being here, or the requiem-like tempo but this song is the biggest bummer EVER. How Charles "I never heard a piece of crap jazz tune I didn't like...and put it into my tv shows" Schultz ever convinced television dudes to include it in his equally depressing Christmas special is beyond me. That sad little tree crap does NOT fly with me, jack. Y'all don't KNOW how I would cry looking at all the sad little trees at the tree lots on Christmas eve. I blame Mr. Peanuts for that. Where's my lexapro and xanax-chaser????

THESE are great:
--"Oh holy night" by Tevin Campbell. A classic. Just KNOW dat.
--"Christmas (Baby please come home)" by U2. The best rendition of a novelty xmas song EVER. Love u2.
--"All I want for Christmas is You" by Mariah Carey. OMG. This. Song. Makes. Me. Want. To. DAAAAAANCE around the xmas tree! So fun, and happy and cheerful and festive. Everything you could hope for in a Christmas song. Go, mariah!
--"Happy Xmas" by John Lennon. Ok, this one just squeaked onto the 'nice' list. It's got WAY too much repetition and those kids and Yoko singing makes me nuts. HOWEVER, compared to what that ass-munch Paul McCartney did, it's a freakin classic.
--"Blue Christmas" by Elvis. Yes, it's sad, but it's dang-old ELVIS! Makes you want to make his Christmas all sweet and cheery, poor dear.
--"White Christmas" by Bing Crosby. So laidback it's like a contact-buzz! Makes you all warm and fuzzy inside.
--"Adeste Fideles" by Frank Sinatra. Makes you feel all smart and s*** cuz you can sing in LATIN, fool! YIS!
--4 words: "Ave Maria" by Liberace. If you've never heard it, check that s*** OUT! Unreal.

There. I hope you feel ready to troll through iTunes and find your OWN list of naughty or nice xmas songs! You're welcome.

jet settin'

I've been on 5 airplane trips in 6 weeks! WTF?!?! Granted, most were short hops for work, but holy crap! I'm due for another flight for work in less than 3 weeks and then 2 weeks after that I'm flying home for Christmas! SHEEEESH!

I wish I had some hilarious witticisms on travel, but I ain't no stinkin comedian. I'm just tarred and ready for a weekend without the suitcase lurking. Here are a few recent thoughts on air travel....

* The only thing worse than being behind a family with small children at the airport security line is being behind the airline crew--especially the fabulously young guys. These guys have about a million electronic devices and ziploc bags that need to be removed from their high maintenence heavy-duty luggage!

* I wish I were a hottie-who-travels. These pharmacy reps (or whatever they do) wear cheap but tight black suits, high heels, they have hot purses and a real hairdo. Whatever it is they do, it must be pretty lucrative to pay for them boobs, too! I ungracefully schlep my way through the airport in baggy pants, a sweater and Danskos (easy to remove and COMFY) with a wet head--too lazy to dry my hair. NOT hot.

*Commuter airline gates at PDX = bus stations. Seriously. Ewww.

*God bless the sweet when you're traveling. For reals. I was having a particularly rough time of managing 2 rolling bags, my purse, and a sweater at the DFW rental car pavilion earlier this week. I hoisted one bag onto the bus that would take me to the terminal, turned to grab the other and noticed I'd dropped my sweater on the ground. By the time I picked up my sweater and turned to hoist bag #2, I saw a VERY attractive young man pick up bag #2 (about 50 lbs)and put it on the rack thingy. Awww!! So nice! Ain't no stranger ever done such a sweet thing for me in Portland, that's for sure! Suh-WEEET!

*To 'pay it forward' I switched my seat on the flight back to Portland so a hippie could sit with his girlfriend. Does karma count if by switching seats I also just happened to move about 10 rows up and away from a crying baby??

*I'm pretty sure I was snoring on the flight back to Portland. Pathetic.

*Helpful hint: NEVER volunteer to sit next to a chatty unaccompanied minor unless you're looking to be canonized as a saint....which I am not.

*Turbulence = me s****ing my pants. beware.

happy travels, suckas!

pinch me!!

omg!! can't freakin believe what i saw last night! i was prepared to be disappointed. i've had 8 hears of practice, afterall.... even after the speeches i was afraid breathe a sigh of relief. when i saw that beautiful family come out and wave, i finally got the lump in the throat and realized that the 8 years of waking nightmares was over. it was like seeing bill clinton in 92--taking control after so many long dreadful years of republican domination.
no, it wasn't seeing jesse jackson weeping for the camera that got me...it was seeing that young presidential family take the stage that got me. so young, and talented, and accomplished, and INTELLIGENT..it was like a beam of sunlight. good riddance to that baffoon and his criminal cronies. there are no curses strong or offensive enough to express my true feelings about that as****e, and no flowery praise worthy to express my true feelings about Mr. Obama.

All I can say is....thankyouthankyouthankyouthankyouthankyouthankyouthankyou thankyouthankyouthankyouthankyouthankyouthankyouthankyouthankyou AMERICA!!!!!!!!!!

c list--quick and yummy!

because i'm smelling so dang yummy and lovely, i had to post about a few things i'm loving right now!!

i'm SOOOO in love with the "luminous body cream" by L'Occitane right now!! OMG I got a tiny sample of it before it was released and as soon as it came out I was front and center to get my very own bottle. YUM! it's got a light fragrance, so it's not cheesy-flowery and a tiny bit of shimmer to highlight my awesome mexican tan (full-on ecru, son!). the shimmer isn't all stripper, just really subtle. nice. LOVE IT! i just hope it's rich enough for my scaly legs and arms when the weather gets colder.

the other thing they have that i LOVE is the 'after sun' lotion. I got some on vacation, but it was confiscated and thrown away at the cancun airport. MF-ers!! It just smells so dang good!!!!! If you tan a lot, it might be worth it. Smells SOOOO good!!!


holy crap, how fun is Real Housewives of Atlanta?!?!?! LOVE those girls. They're so over-the-top and nutty! I never really liked the gals from Orange County or NYC, but these girls are great!! LOVE them!

FALLING BACK!!! I love having an extra hour! I felt all earlybird this morning! I woke up in time to watch Meet the Press! HOLLA! Way to seize the day!