The most wonderful time of the year...

So it has begun. It's officially Christmastime. Yeehaw! My favorite time of year. What I love as much as the food and seeing family and friends is the incessant holiday music everywhere I go.
Christmas music is probably my favorite musical genre. No matter how crappy you're feeling, if you hear that favorite holiday tune from your childhood, somehow you're transported to a Norman Rockwell-inspired false memory of Christmases past. Never mind that in reality Christmas was a season of almost non-stop stress, resentment and venom, in your mind it's all snowy cabins with otters and Rudolph.

Because of my love of Christmas music, I listen to the Christmas radio station most of the time I'm in my car..and at home. ANYhoooo, I consider myself to be a bit of a Christmas music expert. Here are some helpful tips for assembling your own Xmas Mix playlist...

BEWARE the following:
--"Let is Snow" by freakin Gloria Estefan. I generally can't stand her voice anyway, but when she assaults a perfectly nice song and adds an 80s Casio keyboard??? Turd-worthy.
--Mannheim Steamroller and/or Trans-Siberian Orchestra. It's ok in bits and pieces, but too much and it incites one to grab a New Yorker magazine and smack every last nerd off his "instrument". Especially when TSO starts the guitar solo. Rule of thumb: guitar riffs do NOT equal holiday cheer. duh.
--"This Christmas" by anyone. Awful. I love a little r&b as much as the next gal, but this song is just awful. Too much jazzy syncopation and just plain lame.
--The Beach Boys. They needed to stick to what they did best--surfer music and weed. "Little St. Nick"?!?! Who needs to hear "run run reindeer" 15 times in 2 minutes?!?!?
--"Wonderful Christmastime" by Paul McCartney. It's a well-known fact that SIR Paul has sucked for about 40 years now. One shudders to think about what the Beatles might have been, had they been left in the hands of only McCartney. This abomination of a song has all the soul-sucking power that only a McCartney s***-sandwich can generate. Again, it features a VERY dated Casio keyboard + a repetative chorus ("simply haaaaaving a wonderful christmastime") that tears at your earholes.
--"Feliz Navidad" by Jose Feliciano. Bless his heart, I know he's blind. But come ON! Surely he could have come up with a few more words for a song that lasts 18 minutes! I get it, Merry Christmas and Happy New Year...in SPANISH! Caramba!
--"Zat you, Santa Claus" by Louis Armstrong. ugh. This song just makes me anxious. In his voice it sounds ominous. Definitely NOT festive, just scary.
--Just stay away from these "artists" in general: AARON NEVILLE (unless you like that falsetto warble of his), James Taylor (just threw up in my mouf), Bon Jovi or Bruce Springsteen (unless you're from the east coast, in which case you lurv them).
--Also avoid anything with the words "smooth" and/or "jazz" before the word "Christmas" unless you're looking for a beat-down. There's a surprising amount of jazz Christmas music out there and I warn you now, it just sneaks in there! You're enjoying a perfectly normal sounding instrumental and all of a sudden the saxophone or brush-on-snare drum kick in and it's OVER!

This one is beyond bad. It's DANGEROUS!
--"Christmastime is here"(aka the Peanuts xmas song). HOLY CRAP git yer MEDS! If you suffer at ALL from any kind of depression, do NOT listen to this song. It's literally 6+ minutes of torture. I don't know if it's the minor key, the little kids moaning about christmastime being here, or the requiem-like tempo but this song is the biggest bummer EVER. How Charles "I never heard a piece of crap jazz tune I didn't like...and put it into my tv shows" Schultz ever convinced television dudes to include it in his equally depressing Christmas special is beyond me. That sad little tree crap does NOT fly with me, jack. Y'all don't KNOW how I would cry looking at all the sad little trees at the tree lots on Christmas eve. I blame Mr. Peanuts for that. Where's my lexapro and xanax-chaser????

THESE are great:
--"Oh holy night" by Tevin Campbell. A classic. Just KNOW dat.
--"Christmas (Baby please come home)" by U2. The best rendition of a novelty xmas song EVER. Love u2.
--"All I want for Christmas is You" by Mariah Carey. OMG. This. Song. Makes. Me. Want. To. DAAAAAANCE around the xmas tree! So fun, and happy and cheerful and festive. Everything you could hope for in a Christmas song. Go, mariah!
--"Happy Xmas" by John Lennon. Ok, this one just squeaked onto the 'nice' list. It's got WAY too much repetition and those kids and Yoko singing makes me nuts. HOWEVER, compared to what that ass-munch Paul McCartney did, it's a freakin classic.
--"Blue Christmas" by Elvis. Yes, it's sad, but it's dang-old ELVIS! Makes you want to make his Christmas all sweet and cheery, poor dear.
--"White Christmas" by Bing Crosby. So laidback it's like a contact-buzz! Makes you all warm and fuzzy inside.
--"Adeste Fideles" by Frank Sinatra. Makes you feel all smart and s*** cuz you can sing in LATIN, fool! YIS!
--4 words: "Ave Maria" by Liberace. If you've never heard it, check that s*** OUT! Unreal.

There. I hope you feel ready to troll through iTunes and find your OWN list of naughty or nice xmas songs! You're welcome.