adventures at the mall

as a childless woman in her mid 30s I have a lot of time on my hands. i've noticed that in the past couple of years i've gotten wild hairs about things and feel compelled to see them through. sadly these are not wild hairs about self-improvement or anything, mostly just crap i need to buy. for instance, after i watched 'the real housewives of new york city' i realized i desperately needed an Izod polo shirt! i also got the idea that i desperately needed a new set of grapefruit spoons (not because of the show, but because i had giant grapefruits in the fridge and no proper spoons to eat them--tragedy!)

i drove right over to the mall and spent over 2 hours searching for alligator shirts and grapefruit spoons! ridiculous!!

i started at macy's (they have a little of everything). i searched every department and came up empty. after about an hour there i realized nobody had greeted me, asked me if i needed help, or acknowledged my existence. now, as a former retail monkey i know that's poor customer service. at one point, i thought i'd do an experiment. i stood in the middle of racks, with my hands at my side staring straight ahead....about 2 feet away from a 'sales associate' who was putting away clothes. out of the corner of my eye i saw her browse through a rack of shirts, presumably find her size and go to the scanning thingy to see the sale price! she was doing her own shopping and couldn't be bothered to ask the strange woman staring like a zombie if there was anything she needed! finally i asked if they carried any izod tshirts. she said no, not in her section (sporty-spice dockers, liz claiborne, etc) and that i should look further up the store. i knew she was full of crap because no way were preppy tshirts going to be up in the section with the cooler stuff.

however, to test her knowledge and continue my experiment i went up to the front of the store (where the "cool" designer stuff is) and again i stood straight and touched/said nothing. again, i had to flag a woman down asking about the izod shirts. she pointed me to the back of the store (where i'd just come). AAAARRRRRGGGGGGHHHHH!!!!!

I went to Nordstrom thinking maybe Izod was a little more high-end than I expected. Of course the customer service was just as aloof. I didn't do my serial-killer stare experiment, though because i was just too tired. i saw they had the shirts i was looking for in the men's and boy's departments, but not in ladies. WTF?!?!?!?!?!?

Finally I went to Penney's...maybe Izod was even less high-end than I thought. Again, no greeting, but that was fine. I don't expect much from Penney's....until I saw the IZOD DEPARTMENT!!! Holla!!! Sadly, what I found was this: (only a woman's version) when what I wanted was this:

AARRGGGGHHH!!! So, I went in search of the grapefruit spoons....which are available at any grocery store for a couple of bucks. That wouldn't fly with me, so I went looking for the Kitchen Kaboodle at the mall...which had moved....to the "extension" called "west village' or some crap. See, the mall has added an outdoor mall "experience" next to the mall to compete with the fancy Bridgeport Village (an outdoor concept mall south of town). I'm not sure where this is supposed to work. In a place with a climate that is lucky to have 3 months of dry weather and sunshine or a place with a climate that is lucky to have 3 months of under 100 degree temperatures?!?!? ANYHOO....

I hiked the 1/2 mile to the Kitchen Kaboodle in the bracing wind and found my grapefruit spoons..for $3 a piece. Not too bad! They're cool looking. On my trek to the spoons I stopped by Red Mango to see what it was. It said "now open, always healthy". intriguing. turns out it's a remarkable addictive frozen yogurt place. I had the original yogurt (tastes tangy like plain yogurt, but sweet) instead of the green tea and had mango and almonds mixed in. HOLY CRAP!!! SO tasty! I'm already craving it! That's all I freakin need...something ELSE i love to eat!

So, when I got home I went online to see where the heck i could find the alligator shirt (lacoste...apparently no longer associated with Izod?!) i've been craving all of 6 hours. Turns out, in Portland, the only place to find them is at SAKS FREAKING 5TH AVENUE....for $75!!!!! WTF??? I'm going on Monday to check them out and see if I still really need them. Can you imagine?!?!?! Back in the day, they were only $15. Man i'm getting old.

I'll post again monday night...perhaps with a photo of me in my new high-dollar shirt?!?! hopefully not because i will have come to my senses.... wish me luck!