Just like J.Lo

It’s been my goal for the last few years to become jlo.

Granted, it’s a struggle given that I work in non-profit, am not gifted with skin like an angel, do not have a team of lackeys at my beck and call to make me beautiful 24/7 and have a healthy shame of my enormous arse.

However, I do see Ms. Lopez as my spiritual twin. Unlike that harpy Eva Longoria, JLo is a Latina I can identify with.

Ms. Lo and I have both been "blessed" with larger than average butts. Hers pokes out loud and proud while mine spreads out like a cookie in a hot pan. Advantage, Jennifer!

Ms. Lo and I have both married men who are far skinnier than us. Of course, again Jenny had to go and out-do me by marrying a skeletal crypt-keeper. I’d say, advantage me! However, it does bruise the ego when one of your co-workers points this weight differential out by saying, “Wow. He’s way skinnier than you!” bee-atch.

(yikes!)

Jenny from the Block and I are both of ‘a certain age’ and remain childless. Because of this, we share frequent rumors of our being pregnant—hers because she’s photographed wearing a skintight leather Balenciaga pencil-skirt and has (shock-horror) a tiny POOCH! Whereas I have been asked now multiple times if I am pregnant (just Monday, as a matter of fact) because I was seen wearing my fat jeans and a shirt that used to fit but now buckles at the buttons. Um…totally advantage Jennifer!

So, I have tried in vain to model myself after Jennifer Lopez. I’ve grown my hair out in hopes of having Gigli hair (my goodness, her hair is the absolute STAR of that movie). I swear she must have fake hair. There’s no way I can get my hair to be that dang voluminous! I have a lot of hair, but it’s so fine! I need to get that Paves guy to move in so I can have those waves, those highlights, that bounce, that shine…..makes me tingle all over.


When I was shopping for earrings to wear for my wedding, I tried and tried to find some JLo ones that would go. Sadly, they were all giant heart-shaped hoops with rhinestones. I don’t even know where to begin with the reasons why that’s just not me. I ended up with something very anti-JLo— dangly, yes, but small, no sparkles. I think I’d like her more upscale line, Sweetface, but….um. That’s not offered at the mall or at Ross like the JLo line.

I have vowed for years that (like JLo) I will one day buy a giant tub of La Mer and cover myself head-to-toe for that glorious skin of hers. I’m still waiting to have a few extra hundred bucks lying around, though. Sigh. For now, I’m putting the “Low” in JLo and going with Bath and Body Works.

Thankfully my astute parents have put me on the path of Jenny-ness by getting me all sorts of JLo perfume, moisturizers, and even a purse (free with fragrance purchase)! My grandmother somehow even found a JLo scarf that I just love…. in Alice Texas!

So, step by step I will morph into Jennifer Lopez. I’m starting post-Bennifer. It’s way easier to keep up with her now that she’s not running around on boats with PDiddy, making out in Bentleys with Ben Affleck or…shuffling wet-toast-Chris Judd around to make sure he holds her purse. I like this new quiet, modest JLo. Not sure I buy her new music, though. She was more fun, musically, as JLo. It was easier to hide her weak vocals in dance music than these Spanish ballads. Chica, por favor!

Hey! That’s another way we’re the same! Neither of us can sing! We can both dance like rockstars, though. She doesn’t need to be hammered, though. I realize I dance like Elaine from Seinfeld, but what I lack in dancing talent I make up in enthusiasm…and KICKS! Not enough dance moves involve kicks as far as I’m concerned!

Alrighty, I’m off to get in line for “El Cantante”. Her makeup and hair in the commercials look spectacular!