Sorry, this is neither fun nor funny...and a bit of a downer. :(
The last week or so has been one so full of emotions, it’s difficult to entirely sort through it all.
Last week began with my being at the airport by 7am (y’all know how I hate to get up early!) for an 8am flight to southern Oregon. 1.5 grande lattes later, I was at work (I spilled ½ my grande latte all over the rental car—ARRGGHH). Much rushing, observing, reviewing, etc. Southern Oregon is beautiful. Not as green as Portland, but striking in its own way. The weather was cold, but not unbearable.
The last week or so has been one so full of emotions, it’s difficult to entirely sort through it all.
Last week began with my being at the airport by 7am (y’all know how I hate to get up early!) for an 8am flight to southern Oregon. 1.5 grande lattes later, I was at work (I spilled ½ my grande latte all over the rental car—ARRGGHH). Much rushing, observing, reviewing, etc. Southern Oregon is beautiful. Not as green as Portland, but striking in its own way. The weather was cold, but not unbearable.
We got to stay at the most delightfully charming historic hotel downtown. Their whole theme is ‘birds’, so the “do not disturb” doorhangers have a little birdie in a nest and it says “Nesting”. AWWWW. Cute!
Later in the week I drove to another town in southern Oregon—through a beautiful and scenic pass.
Ice-covered lakes, snow-dusted evergreens…beautiful. However, I had to be sure I watched my speed. The last time I drove through this pass I got a ticket. Driving and singing to ABBA was just too fun.
Again, more hurried work. On Wednesday afternoon on the way to visit one of our centers, my husband called to tell me his mother had indeed been diagnosed with ALS. This had been a remote possibility, but it was still a shock to hear. Suddenly I fast-forwarded to a time when she could be in a wheelchair, unable to speak or eat on her own. I couldn’t quite imagine it—she’s one of the most physically fit and athletic people you’ll ever meet. I could hear the anger in James’ voice, as well as his frustration. Why her? How her? Everything in her adult life has been with a focus on health and fitness. It doesn’t make sense.
The sadness was all-consuming…until I went to observe in our classrooms. I’m sorry, but babies and toddlers (and preschoolers!) need to be prescribed by doctors to people suffering with depression. Seeing those little babies crawl and laugh and dance and sing…you can’t help but smile and feel happy!
When I returned to Portland, I was prepared to do my research on ALS and see what I could do to support my mother-in-law, her husband, and of course, James. These guys are not used to seeing Diane in need of anything or anyone. She’s the rock and the strongest person you’ll ever meet.
Sadly, as I dressed for work on Friday, I got even more bad news. My boss called and said, “Oh, Clarissa. I just don’t know how to tell you this, so I’ll just tell you.” I thought for sure I was being laid off. These things tend to be announced on Fridays. Then, she said, “My son passed away.” (on 4/15--TAX DAY!!) I was in shock. Her son was 28, a father of a 3 year-old son, married, and had just gone through surgery to improve his respiratory ailments he’d been fighting for years since going to the army. I’m not graceful, nor do I have the tact or ability to say the right thing. I was speechless. What does one say to a mother who has just lost her son? I had no clue what she must be going through. My heart just broke for her.
The rest of the day (and weekend) I was numb. A heavy weight just dropped and stuck in my stomach. I slept a lot and stayed in my jammies a lot. Saturday night I didn’t fall asleep until about 6:30am. My mind just would not stop. I felt terrible for these people in my life that were going through such pain, but I also felt guilty for feeling so miserable, when in actuality this has nothing to do with me. Neurotic? Yep, that’s me.
Monday at work I was still feeling completely useless. We learned that my boss’ son’s funeral was that afternoon. Though we were not prepared and weren’t wearing appropriate “mourning” clothes, a few of us from the office went to pay our respects. I dreaded seeing my boss. I managed to keep it together when she approached our little group—she was visibly thinner, dressed head to toe in black and wearing big, black sunglasses. She joked she was “doing the Jackie O thing” and hiding behind her glasses. Who could blame her?! The ceremony was lovely, but left me feeling completely worn out. I went home and slept for 4 hours.
Part of life, of course, is the tragic. We will face our own and/or loved one’s aging process, sickness and death. The continuum we’re all on is predictable: you and your friends all start getting “real jobs”, you and your friends all start getting married, you and your friends all start having kids, you and your friends start dealing with parents’ illness/aging, you and your friends start losing people close to you, you and your friends start dying. Unavoidable, but distressing nonetheless.
Here’s hoping the rest of April brings peace and strength to those who need it most.
Later in the week I drove to another town in southern Oregon—through a beautiful and scenic pass.
Ice-covered lakes, snow-dusted evergreens…beautiful. However, I had to be sure I watched my speed. The last time I drove through this pass I got a ticket. Driving and singing to ABBA was just too fun.Again, more hurried work. On Wednesday afternoon on the way to visit one of our centers, my husband called to tell me his mother had indeed been diagnosed with ALS. This had been a remote possibility, but it was still a shock to hear. Suddenly I fast-forwarded to a time when she could be in a wheelchair, unable to speak or eat on her own. I couldn’t quite imagine it—she’s one of the most physically fit and athletic people you’ll ever meet. I could hear the anger in James’ voice, as well as his frustration. Why her? How her? Everything in her adult life has been with a focus on health and fitness. It doesn’t make sense.
The sadness was all-consuming…until I went to observe in our classrooms. I’m sorry, but babies and toddlers (and preschoolers!) need to be prescribed by doctors to people suffering with depression. Seeing those little babies crawl and laugh and dance and sing…you can’t help but smile and feel happy!
When I returned to Portland, I was prepared to do my research on ALS and see what I could do to support my mother-in-law, her husband, and of course, James. These guys are not used to seeing Diane in need of anything or anyone. She’s the rock and the strongest person you’ll ever meet.
Sadly, as I dressed for work on Friday, I got even more bad news. My boss called and said, “Oh, Clarissa. I just don’t know how to tell you this, so I’ll just tell you.” I thought for sure I was being laid off. These things tend to be announced on Fridays. Then, she said, “My son passed away.” (on 4/15--TAX DAY!!) I was in shock. Her son was 28, a father of a 3 year-old son, married, and had just gone through surgery to improve his respiratory ailments he’d been fighting for years since going to the army. I’m not graceful, nor do I have the tact or ability to say the right thing. I was speechless. What does one say to a mother who has just lost her son? I had no clue what she must be going through. My heart just broke for her.
The rest of the day (and weekend) I was numb. A heavy weight just dropped and stuck in my stomach. I slept a lot and stayed in my jammies a lot. Saturday night I didn’t fall asleep until about 6:30am. My mind just would not stop. I felt terrible for these people in my life that were going through such pain, but I also felt guilty for feeling so miserable, when in actuality this has nothing to do with me. Neurotic? Yep, that’s me.
Monday at work I was still feeling completely useless. We learned that my boss’ son’s funeral was that afternoon. Though we were not prepared and weren’t wearing appropriate “mourning” clothes, a few of us from the office went to pay our respects. I dreaded seeing my boss. I managed to keep it together when she approached our little group—she was visibly thinner, dressed head to toe in black and wearing big, black sunglasses. She joked she was “doing the Jackie O thing” and hiding behind her glasses. Who could blame her?! The ceremony was lovely, but left me feeling completely worn out. I went home and slept for 4 hours.
Part of life, of course, is the tragic. We will face our own and/or loved one’s aging process, sickness and death. The continuum we’re all on is predictable: you and your friends all start getting “real jobs”, you and your friends all start getting married, you and your friends all start having kids, you and your friends start dealing with parents’ illness/aging, you and your friends start losing people close to you, you and your friends start dying. Unavoidable, but distressing nonetheless.
Here’s hoping the rest of April brings peace and strength to those who need it most.
2 comments:
My little strong Clarissa. What a horrible week you had, and I'm sure you're handling it all with grace and strength as you always do. No weeping, wailing or gnashing of teeth like I would be doing. You have such a calming, wise presence about you. Just let that shine through to those who need you. And please, when some of it gets too much to bear, lean on others who are so eager to pay you back for all the times you've been there for them. Thinking of you all the time. xoxoxoxoo
I am so sorry. Sorry for you and for the other families. I love what Sara said. It is so true! I was just thinking about what you said about entering this phase of taking care of our parents. It is coming, maybe sooner than later for you guys. I hope we can be there for each other as we have with other milestones, maybe even more so.
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