The C Spot--Insomnia Version 2010!!

Insomnia Corner

2010-02-23T03:04:00.000-08:00

Ok, since i've neglected this blog for so long i had to google "blogger" to find it....

I'll only post when i'm up with insomnia.

here's the deal. i'm a championship sleeper. if one could "medal" at sleeping, i would.

i don't like to go to sleep (because the night "wins", duh), but once i'm out, i'm out! i snore like a mutha, drool, and generally sleep through most noises and disturbances. Exceptions being when the cat starts that pre-barf hacking. That noise wakes me out of my deepest sleep and i'm on high-alert to make sure she pukes on the wood floor and not on the bed, the carpet, or me.

anyhoo, i'm normally a phenomenal sleeper. But every now and then, I'll find myself up at 3:30 (like tonight) with little desire to sleep. Ironically, sometimes the nights i try to go to sleep "early" are those when I'm up the latest.

Sometimes i can attribute these infrequent insomnia spells to stress or having a nap after work (something i work realllly hard to avoid). But other times i think it's because of what i'm reading. when i get into a book that's a real page-turner, i just seem to read past my "window" for sleep and end up awake all night. The stupid "True Blood" series had me reading well into the early hours of the morning for a few weeks. Then, it was "Shutter Island" (read it mostly in one night...then watched the trailer on the computer a few dozen times until 8am). Now, it's "Still Alice".

This little gem of a book is terrifying and compelling. It's a story about a harvard professor who discovers she's got early-onset alzheimer's at 50. It documents her rapid decline and how her illness robs her of so much of what she valued and loved about her life: teaching, writing, reading, researching, imagining a future with her children, grandchildren and husband... What sucks is that this story would be heartbreaking enough if i weren't cringing at every page. It mirrors so much of my mother-in-law's struggles with her ALS diagnosis. When you do what you love and then it's taken from you...it's just cruel. Both women were passionate about their chosen fields and both these women are having that career slowly taken away due to illness. My MIL is still one of the most physically-fit women you'll ever meet...but her ability to breathe, eat and speak is shutting down. She can no longer race, compete, or lead seminars on running.

It's not that their careers defined these women. It's that their careers reflected their intellectual and physical passions. That these illness robbed them of that....well, it's just....horrendous.

I can't bring myself to go into the other room and finish the last part of the book. I don't want to read how it "ends".

Besides, having stereo sleep-breathing from the husband and the cat in my ears...that just rubs it in that i'm wide awake.

so, i'm sad. awake. frustrated. and wishing i'd started reading that garcia-marquez book tonight instead of "Still Alice". hmph.

((NOTE: I finished this damn book only to realize it was FICTION! I probably might have not been such an emotional mess reading this book if I'd been able to tell myself it was "just a story". I don't know HOW i got the idea it was nonfiction. sheesh.))

summer lovin...

2009-07-25T14:41:00.000-07:00

Ooo wee!! It's been ages since i updated this mutha!

I've been crazy busy with work and travel and just...plain sloth. I rock at being lazy, not to toot my own horn.

Anywhoooo, here's a bit of an update on what's been goin on.

June: went to boston and new york for vacation. saw some friends who moved to boston in september/october and saw the in-laws in nyc. highlites:

cannoli in little italy in boston. holy CRAP, where have you been all my life???
the tyler perry, steve perry, perry ferrell, no... the SHEPARD FAIREY exhibit in boston . AWESOME
Lunch at Sportello in boston. wtf. too damn good. still dreaming of that pasta dish i had.
the richard avedon exibit in nyc. stunning. makes me want to be reincarnated as a gorgeous model in paris in 1955.
rice freakin pudding at rice to riches in Soho. holy SHIT!! i could eat my weight in the mascarpone rice pudding. we have a similar rice pudding place here in pdx, but it's like bullshit compared to R2R!!! Granted, they were out of mascarpone when i went, but still... (p.s. kelly ripa apparently lives nearby R2R and loves it! must puke it up later cuz that fool is TINY)
frank lloyd wright exibit at the guggenheim. just a beautiful, beautiful building with lots of fun models of his buildings to look at. very cool.
my new (free!!) converse tennies from our friends in boston--i love converse! who knew?!?!?
ice cream at Toscanini's in boston. homemade deliciousness. coulda gone there every night!!
the high line in nyc. such a cool idea and a lovely walk. really nice. wish my feet hadn't been dying--too much time in ill-fitting sandals. shoulda stayed in the converse tennies...

Ok, clearly there's a common thread to my highlights....food and art. But mostly food. That's mostly what i love and what i remember from trips!

THEN, after boston and nyc, i went down to washington d.c. for a work conference. it was good, but hard to shift back into work mode after a week away. not many highlites, the conference went until 5 each day and most museums close around that time. SO... my hilites are limited to:

sweetgreen in d.c. i loved me some red mango in portland, but it's gone now (damn you economy!!!). sweetgreen is similar: plain frozen yogurt (tart and YUMMY) with mixins like mangos and strawberries (holla!!). plus, they sell salads (whatever, bring on the froyo!) found a place in pdx that's similar PLUS, trader joe's sells frozen nonfat plain yogurt so i can add my own mixins at home! cah-RAP, i better start bustin out the muumuus and elastic waist pants NOW!
H&M. they're in seattle and san francisco, so i reckon portland will get one someday. in the meantime, i have to either settle for forever 21 or pack in all my cheap/foreign made garment shopping when i get to go to d.c. for work. good thing a colleague is just as in love with h&m as i am. however, with vastly different results. her: loaded and tiny so she spends about $300 on size 4 stuff. me: poor and giant (see above for love of food) so i bought a few things under $20 (my absolute limit for cheap-ass clothes).
my new fancy coach bag i bought in d.c.!! it was SUCH a deal, i couldn't resist! $25!! yes, i bought it on the street from a woman wearing a burka, but STILL! i had wanted to buy a rolex on the street in nyc, but didn't find any. street-coach is AWESOMER!

Since coming home i've had a ridonkulous cold and many many visits to our head start centers around the state. tons of meetings and reams of paper printed, collated and stapled. mentally exhausting.

HOWEVER, for my bday we went to the coast for an overnight trip. VERY cute little b&b type place (yes, we stayed in the 'glory suite'--ewwww, sounds porny) with views of the bay and a hot tub with a skylite. must. get. hottub. for. house. STAT! so relaxing. so nice to just sit there and soak and look at water and stars. sigh....plus, i was a little tipsy. even nicer.

i'll update with more information on how, despite the lovely june and july I'VE had, it's been a horrendous spring/summer for the people i know and love. for now, let me end on a high note...

there's a place in portland that sells kolaches. apparently they're so dang good, they SOLD OUT today. whatever, i'll be there first thing monday morning!! cue the elephant noise when i walk!

babies are REALLY interesting

2009-06-10T12:45:00.000-07:00

So, i've found a new blog that i love. I read it most days (granted, not as faithfully as Awkwardfamilyphotos.com of course!!) and am loving the stuff about early childhood development.

http://scienceblogs.com/cognitivedaily/2009/06/six-month-olds_prefer_differen.php#more

interesting!

feelin not so low...

2009-06-02T17:26:00.000-07:00

Ooooooo Kay! so, i'm not quite as sullen and crap as I was in my last post.
HOWEVER....now my 'what's it all about' mental-wrestling has evolved.

Even if i DO have kids, what are the odds that they or their children will give a rat's ass about my "I love Reese's" scrapbook page??? aren't they (or their bitch-wives) gonna just throw that crap out?

I am now afraid of having my pictures and/or scrapbooks wind up at a sad, ghetto Goodwill. How embarrassing!! The worst would be that they end up on something like Awkward Family Photos.com (my most favorite website ever, thanks SARA!!). My poor Beso scrapbook where she's wearing hats and sitting in the fridge...all exposed to the scrutiny of wise-ass kids?? SAD!

Ok. There are things that need to be decided prior to one's death:

1) who is going to know where to go in order to remove the "adult" items from the house so my poor mother/father don't find them?
2) who is going to take and burn the scrapbooks before they fall into the hands of some emo dude who finds scrapbooking 'ironic'?
3) who's going to delete all my twitter/facebook postings and/or blog entries?

at least now i have a PLAN! :)))

feelin low....

2009-05-30T18:18:00.000-07:00

(this is, admittedly, a pathetic and pity-party-post. sorry!! it'll pass, but i thought i'd share for a moment)

So after another visit from FRED, I suddenly had a realization this morning as i was brushing my teeth while reading a scrapbooking magazine....WTF am i scrapping for?? I guess in the back of my mind i always figured someone would be interested in seeing my stupid scrapbook pages...and i guess i always assumed that would be someone related to me (as in, a kid)... But what if i don't ever have kids? who are these scrapbooks for?!?!? who's going to give a crap about that one time we went to vancouver for 4th of july? me? in my senility?? i reckon that's what i need to remember. i'm doing it for myself. it's just weird how these sad feelings of 'who really cares' pop up every now and then. about 98% of the time i feel very happy with my life and how it's going. just...once in a while i feel like i'm living my life in a holding pattern...like i'm waiting for the next big thing to come....but....this might be it...and 98% of the time, that's totally great! just....when i look at the stuff i need to scrapbook i wonder....who (besides me) will ever care?!?!?

if i had some lime, i'd make me a gin and tonic....

off to scrap some more.....sigh...

Beautiful Weekend

2009-05-26T10:13:00.001-07:00

OMG, we had the world's most perfect weather this weekend. Low 70s, cool breeze, flowers blooming, sun shining, mountains glowing with winter snow....just glorious. Makes me happy to be alive. Ahhhhh..... Sadly, no pictures to document the beauty. Just take my word for it.

Saturday we ran errands after having a picnic at the rose garden. Did i mention the weather was perfect?!?! The roses weren't really blooming yet, but it's still such a beautiful place.
As luck would have it, my perfect picnic was marred by a damn squirrel.

After a squirrel had the NERVE to climb up the back of my leg to get to my cookie (the baked good in my hand, not my...you know, "cookie") in college i've had a massive thing against f-ing squirrels. Anyhoo, we were sitting in the shady picnic area with a beautiful view of downtown and Mount Hood in the background, enjoying our sandwiches and stuff. I'd pointed out the big, fat squirrel earlier, "is it pregnant?" "how embarrassing if it's not pregnant and we think it is", etc. So, I'm gazing at the view, enjoying the breezes and I hear James say "WHOA! Look at that!" I look to my left and to my right, but don't see anything weird. THEN, I look straight ahead. Right there not 18 inches away from me is THE DAMN SQUIRREL sitting right on the picnic table staring straight at me with its little beady pregnant eyes. EWWW! It took a second or 2 for me to process what I was looking at, then I let out the most girlish, cartoon-y hoot/scream and began kicking my feet and throwing my hands all around. The damn thing just SAT there until finally it saw James wave his arm. I was totally creeped out. Honestly, my voice was ridiculously girly: like the lady in the Tom and Jerry cartoons when she sees Jerry and hops on the chair and screams. So embarrassing. I'm a grown-assed woman afraid of a damn SQUIRREL!!! Stupid.

The rest of the day was WAY better, with the exception of seeing "Terminator Salvation". I was so hyped (love me some Christian Bale and stupid explosions)!! It was such a disappointment! So much potential. Sigh.

At least So You Think You Can Dance is back on.

OH!! I never watch those horrible Jon and Kate people but was terribly curious to see how they'd handle the cheating allegations, etc. this season. It was really bad. Like watching a divorce slowly unfold. I felt dirty. Can't say I won't watch again, though.

How was YOUR weekend???

father cutie!

2009-05-15T15:41:00.000-07:00

OMG! I vaguely heard something about the Catholic priest who'd been caught having an affair... with a woman (phew!!! what a relief!), but didn't really get into the story much. Like many modern-day Catholics who feel like the Church needs to revamp some of the more...restrictive positions (birth control! homosexuality! priests' celibacy! etc!), I figured, "oh, poor dear. he should be able to have a romantic relationship AND continue to perform his role as a priest" blahblahblah. Didn't really give it much thought.

WELL. FINALLY, I saw a picture of the dude.

HOLY CRAP!!!

This guy is H.O.T. Not just attractive or handsome, but HOOOOOOTTTT!!!!

AND his name is Father Cutie??? Too adorable. Granted, you don't pronounce it that way, but come on. CUTIE?!?!?! Too much.

I think I'm in love. Let's move on this whole letting priests have "relationships" already. I'm first in line, yo!

actor's studio questionnaire

2009-05-10T12:06:00.000-07:00

What is your favorite word? chocolatey
What is your least favorite word? ****roach
What turns you on creatively, spiritually or emotionally? Eww. I reckon 'sincerity'
What turns you off? narcissism
What is your favorite curse word? f**k
What sound or noise do you love? the ocean
What sound or noise do you hate? shopping cart on asphalt
What profession other than your own would you like to attempt? soap opera actress
What profession would you not like to do? anything in finance/accounting/budgets/related to $$
If Heaven exists, what would you like to hear God say when you arrive at the Pearly Gates? you're home

Your turn! If those asshole actors can do it, so can we!

There once was a very crooked girl

2009-05-07T14:52:00.000-07:00

OMG. Talk about the dumbest injury!

Evidently, I have the world’s strongest neck muscles. Strong enough to torque my neck to such a degree, I’m walking around with my ear on my right shoulder like a dog listening to a confusing sound. I woke up early for an 8am meeting at work (ugghhh!!!), did a little stretch as I got out of bed and simultaneously heard a pop and felt a shooting pain down the left side of my neck. Every movement hurt like the dickens. I was convinced I’d ruptured my jugular vein and was about to die of massive internal bleeding….so I showered really fast. I called my doctor and was ready and waiting in her office as they opened at 8am. She wanted me to get some xrays (SEE?!?!? I knew it was serious!!) and take some muscle relaxants (oh yes, PLEASE!) and not go in to work.

I called work to let them know I wouldn’t be in (oops, had to miss my day-long meeting. What a chame.), took my medicine and slept for 4 hours. I woke up, called my doctor to see what horrible thing I’d done to my vertebrae (nothing, it’s just a muscle spasm), took another pill and slept for another 4 hours.

THE PAIN, y’all, the PAIN! I was tempted to self-medicate with some leftover oxycotin, but decided Advil was smarter and less habit-forming. Now, 2 days later, the pain is less intense, but moving down my neck to my shoulders. I’m sure it’s all because of my desk job. Sitting hunched over for hours at a time can’t be good.

It all comes back to my ultra-strong neck muscles. I had no idea how dangerous they were—to be able to stretch out and strain itself. WOW! Shoulda guessed, though. Every time I do crunches or ab exercises at the gym, my NECK is what’s sore the next day. Clearly I’m doing something wrong if my neck is getting the massive workout meant for my gut! Just don’t mess with my neck or else it’ll kick your ASS!!!

Death and Taxes

2009-04-23T17:17:00.000-07:00

Sorry, this is neither fun nor funny...and a bit of a downer. :(

The last week or so has been one so full of emotions, it’s difficult to entirely sort through it all.

Last week began with my being at the airport by 7am (y’all know how I hate to get up early!) for an 8am flight to southern Oregon. 1.5 grande lattes later, I was at work (I spilled ½ my grande latte all over the rental car—ARRGGHH). Much rushing, observing, reviewing, etc. Southern Oregon is beautiful. Not as green as Portland, but striking in its own way. The weather was cold, but not unbearable.

We got to stay at the most delightfully charming historic hotel downtown. Their whole theme is ‘birds’, so the “do not disturb” doorhangers have a little birdie in a nest and it says “Nesting”. AWWWW. Cute!

Later in the week I drove to another town in southern Oregon—through a beautiful and scenic pass. Ice-covered lakes, snow-dusted evergreens…beautiful. However, I had to be sure I watched my speed. The last time I drove through this pass I got a ticket. Driving and singing to ABBA was just too fun.

Again, more hurried work. On Wednesday afternoon on the way to visit one of our centers, my husband called to tell me his mother had indeed been diagnosed with ALS. This had been a remote possibility, but it was still a shock to hear. Suddenly I fast-forwarded to a time when she could be in a wheelchair, unable to speak or eat on her own. I couldn’t quite imagine it—she’s one of the most physically fit and athletic people you’ll ever meet. I could hear the anger in James’ voice, as well as his frustration. Why her? How her? Everything in her adult life has been with a focus on health and fitness. It doesn’t make sense.

The sadness was all-consuming…until I went to observe in our classrooms. I’m sorry, but babies and toddlers (and preschoolers!) need to be prescribed by doctors to people suffering with depression. Seeing those little babies crawl and laugh and dance and sing…you can’t help but smile and feel happy!

When I returned to Portland, I was prepared to do my research on ALS and see what I could do to support my mother-in-law, her husband, and of course, James. These guys are not used to seeing Diane in need of anything or anyone. She’s the rock and the strongest person you’ll ever meet.

Sadly, as I dressed for work on Friday, I got even more bad news. My boss called and said, “Oh, Clarissa. I just don’t know how to tell you this, so I’ll just tell you.” I thought for sure I was being laid off. These things tend to be announced on Fridays. Then, she said, “My son passed away.” (on 4/15--TAX DAY!!) I was in shock. Her son was 28, a father of a 3 year-old son, married, and had just gone through surgery to improve his respiratory ailments he’d been fighting for years since going to the army. I’m not graceful, nor do I have the tact or ability to say the right thing. I was speechless. What does one say to a mother who has just lost her son? I had no clue what she must be going through. My heart just broke for her.

The rest of the day (and weekend) I was numb. A heavy weight just dropped and stuck in my stomach. I slept a lot and stayed in my jammies a lot. Saturday night I didn’t fall asleep until about 6:30am. My mind just would not stop. I felt terrible for these people in my life that were going through such pain, but I also felt guilty for feeling so miserable, when in actuality this has nothing to do with me. Neurotic? Yep, that’s me.

Monday at work I was still feeling completely useless. We learned that my boss’ son’s funeral was that afternoon. Though we were not prepared and weren’t wearing appropriate “mourning” clothes, a few of us from the office went to pay our respects. I dreaded seeing my boss. I managed to keep it together when she approached our little group—she was visibly thinner, dressed head to toe in black and wearing big, black sunglasses. She joked she was “doing the Jackie O thing” and hiding behind her glasses. Who could blame her?! The ceremony was lovely, but left me feeling completely worn out. I went home and slept for 4 hours.

Part of life, of course, is the tragic. We will face our own and/or loved one’s aging process, sickness and death. The continuum we’re all on is predictable: you and your friends all start getting “real jobs”, you and your friends all start getting married, you and your friends all start having kids, you and your friends start dealing with parents’ illness/aging, you and your friends start losing people close to you, you and your friends start dying. Unavoidable, but distressing nonetheless.

Here’s hoping the rest of April brings peace and strength to those who need it most.

Position available!

2009-04-06T17:28:00.000-07:00

For several months now, the Martinez-Owen household has been trying to add to its ranks. We’re looking to add a permanent member of the team.

He or she must be able to (with training):
-Follow verbal and written instructions, as well as visual and oral cues
-Use power and hand tools
-Perform various task throughout the day (ranging from adorable to annoying)
-Drive company vehicles and machinery to and from various job sites (most likely bumping into company property along the way)
-Assist staff with various construction/demolition projects

Minimum Educational Requirements:
-High School Diploma GED (Bachelor degree preferred)
-Bilingual (Spanish/English)

Job Requirements:
-Ability to lift up to and maneuver 50 plus pounds (within 18 year timeline)
-Work out-of-doors for extended periods under unfavorable conditions (typical of Oregon for 9 months of the year)

Preferred skills and knowledge(training opportunities available):
-Use and operate indoor sewage-removal system
-Operate construction equipment in various media (paints, clay, sand, water, etc)

Pre-employment health screening is required
..........................................

Not asking too much, right? Well, despite our best efforts, we have yet to recruit such a candidate. Every few weeks we check our “inbox” (ahem) and receive notice from Aunt Flo that there are no new applicants.

Just last month, our recruitment efforts hit a bit of a snag. Team Martinez-Owen was separated by several time zones during the peak “recruiting season”. I found myself so aroused by the possibility of bringing on a new member, that I was tempted to do some outside recruitment consultation (head-hunting?) with various waiters, restaurant patrons, strangers on the street...among many others. So strong was my desire to fill the position! Thankfully, I was able to get home to coordinate with my partner and we were able to do some collaboration on hiring together! Self-recruitment just doesn’t cut it sometimes. For this type of project, it’s all about teamwork.

Despite our inability to fill the position thus far, we are prepared to wait for the “right” candidate, even if it takes time. Regardless of our expansion project, we remain optimistic about the outlook for team M.O. If necessary, we can continue with the staff we have on-hand and train for additional skills. Our capable Beso-of-all-trades has even taken it upon herself to approximate an entry-level candidate by relieving herself on the kitchen floor. With this kind of attention to detail in preparing us for hazardous waste removal, we feel we can continue without a new member of the team for some time! Thanks, Beso! A valued member of Team M.O.!

We hope to have another exciting recruitment effort soon, so we are very excited about the opportunities to work hard on our collaborative efforts!

Thank you for your continued support and interest in Team M.O. and in our growth-efforts! We couldn’t do it without you… hmm. actually, that’s a little weird. ;)

Ha!

another FB list!

2009-03-08T23:21:00.000-07:00

So apparently The Big Read said that, at some point, on average, adults have only read six books on this list. So ... copy this list, remove my yes and no answers, and add your own in a note. Tag your friends, and me!

1 Pride and Prejudice - Jane Austen - no
2 The Lord of the Rings - JRR Tolkien -HAIL no
3 Jane Eyre - Charlotte Bronte - nope
4 Harry Potter series - JK Rowling - yes
5 To Kill a Mockingbird - Harper Lee - yes my FAVE
6 The Bible – bits
7 Wuthering Heights - Emily Bronte - 1/2
8 1984 - George Orwell -no
9 His Dark Materials - Philip Pullman - no
10 Great Expectations - Charles Dickens - no
11 Little Women - Louisa M Alcott - 1/2
12 Tess of the D'Urbervilles - Thomas Hardy –– no
13 Catch 22 - Joseph Heller –– no
14 Complete Works of Shakespeare - parts
15 Rebecca - Daphne Du Maurier - no
16 The Hobbit - JRR Tolkien - no
17 Birdsong - Sebastian Faulks - no
18 Catcher in the Rye - JD Salinger - yes
19 The Time Traveller's Wife - Audrey Niffenegger -no
20 Middlemarch - George Eliot- No
21 Gone With The Wind - Margaret Mitchell - no
22 The Great Gatsby - F Scott Fitzgerald - no
23 Bleak House - Charles Dickens- no
24 War and Peace - Leo Tolstoy - no
25 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy - Douglas Adams - NO
26 Brideshead Revisited - Evelyn Waugh - no
27 Crime and Punishment - Fyodor Dostoyevsky - NO
28 Grapes of Wrath - John Steinbeck - does the movie count!??
29 Alice in Wonderland - Lewis Carroll - no, but you did, Steph!
30 The Wind in the Willows - Kenneth Grahame - no
31 Anna Karenina - Leo Tolstoy - yes
32 David Copperfield - Charles Dickens - no
33 The Chronicles of Narnia - CS Lewis - some
34 Emma - Jane Austen - no (again, doesn't the movie count?!?!)
35 Persuasion - Jane Austen - no
36 The Lion, The Witch and The Wardrobe - yes
37 The Kite Runner - Khaled Hosseini - yes
38 Captain Corelli's Mandolin - Louis De Bernieres- yes (sara this was your pick, right?)
39 Memoirs of a Geisha - Arthur Golden - yes
40 Winnie the Pooh - AA Milne -no
41 Animal Farm - George Orwell - yes
42 The Da Vinci Code - Dan Brown - yes
43 One Hundred Years of Solitude - Gabriel Garcia Marquez - yes
44 A Prayer for Owen Meaney - John Irving - no
45 The Woman in White - Wilkie Collins - no
46 Anne of Green Gables - LM Montgomery - yes
47 Far From The Madding Crowd - Thomas Hardy - no
48 The Handmaid's Tale - Margaret Atwood - no, but i've been close
49 Lord of the Flies - William Golding - yes
50 Atonement - Ian McEwan - yes
51 Life of Pi - Yann Martel - yes
52 Dune - Frank Herbert-no
53 Cold Comfort Farm - Stella Gibbons - no
54 Sense and Sensibility - Jane Austen - no
55 A Suitable Boy - Vikram Seth - no
56 The Shadow of the Wind - Carlos Ruiz Zafon - no
57 A Tale Of Two Cities - Charles Dickens - no
58 Brave New World - Aldous Huxley - yes
59 The Curious Incident of the Dog in the Night-time - Mark Haddon - yes
60 Love In The Time Of Cholera - Gabriel Garcia Marquez - yes
61 Of Mice and Men - John Steinbeck - yes
62 Lolita - Vladimir Nabokov - no
63 The Secret History - Donna Tartt - yes (thanks to sara's recommendation)
64 The Lovely Bones - Alice Sebold - yes
65 Count of Monte Cristo - Alexandre Dumas - no
66 On The Road - Jack Kerouac - no
67 Jude the Obscure - Thomas Hardy -no
68 Bridget Jones's Diary - Helen Fielding - yes
69 Midnight's Children - Salman Rushdie - no
70 Moby Dick - Herman Melville - part (i even tried with cliff notes to understand it...but got tired)
71 Oliver Twist - Charles Dickens - no
72 Dracula - Bram Stoker - no
73 The Secret Garden - Frances Hodgson Burnett - no
74 Notes From A Small Island - Bill Bryson - yes
75 Ulysses - James Joyce - no
76 The Bell Jar - Sylvia Plath - yes
77 Swallows and Amazons - Arthur Ransome - no
78 Germinal - Emile Zola - no
79 Vanity Fair - William Makepeace Thackeray - no
80 Possession - AS Byatt- no
81 A Christmas Carol - Charles Dickens - yes
82 Cloud Atlas - David Mitchell - no
83 The Color Purple - Alice Walker - yes
84 The Remains of the Day - Kazuo Ishiguro - no
85 Madame Bovary - Gustave Flaubert - no
86 A Fine Balance - Rohinton Mistry - no
87 Charlotte's Web - EB White - yes
88 The Five People You Meet In Heaven - Mitch Albom - no
89 Adventures of Sherlock Holmes - Sir Arthur Conan Doyle - no
90 The Faraway Tree Collection - Enid Blyton - no
91 Heart of Darkness - Joseph Conrad - yes
92 The Little Prince - Antoine De Saint-Exupe - no
93 The Wasp Factory - Iain Banks - no
94 Watership Down - Richard Adams - no
95 A Confederacy of Dunces - John Kennedy Toole - yes
96 A Town Like Alice - Nevil Shute - no
97 The Three Musketeers - Alexandre Dumas - no
98 Hamlet –– Shakespeare –– i don't think so
99 Charlie and the Chocolate Factory - Roald Dahl - yes
100 Les Miserables - Victor Hugo - no

¡que linda!

2009-03-05T13:49:00.000-08:00

So, I'm not the religious follower of Linda of All & Sundry like Sara, but when I do read it, i love it. That being said, she cryptically 'tweeted' that apparently she was tacky, was lucky to just have a man, her husband was annoyed and that she needed a new blog topic stat. well THAT got me curious.

I beg you to please read.

This is great because I've been feeling this way lately too. I know older women say what they hate most is becoming 'invisible' in the world. Nobody seems to care what ladies with grey hair have to say. For those of us in the middle (not quite the young chippy and not the old grey-hair), Linda's post makes a lot of sense. I never set the world on fire with my looks, but on OCCASION I'd notice a glance. Now?? Never...unless it's someone who's clearly crazy.

For example...there was the one time when I went to a skating rink up here in Portland (i hadn't skated in 20 years or so and thought it'd be fun). I was totally hit-on by a dude who skated past me, bumping my arm and shoving a smiley face keychain into my hand. HOT. He later asked me to skate with him during 'couples skate'. HOOOOOT. Poor dear looked to be in his early 30s and was clearly the king of the skating rink.

Anyhoo....with Linda's post in my head I went to the gym the other night. As I was doubled over the stretching contraption, i turned to my right and noticed a young hot dude checking me out. I thought, 'wow! this is great! i still got it goin ON! he must really be turned on by my stomach roll and visible granny-panty line.' then i turned to my left and saw 2 girls on the mats stretching each other out. they were doing that move where you sit with your legs out in a V, feet touching, grab hands and pull/lean to stretch out your inner thighs. i turned back to my right to look at the dude and sure enough it was the semi-lesbian-stretching he'd been looking at. OF COURSE! Oh well....

fuzzy slideshow

2009-02-22T12:04:00.000-08:00

ok, how much do i love my "fuzzy" keyword slideshow?!?!? it's the #1 word that comes to mind when i think of my beloved kitty, Beso, so i thought it would be fun to see what Flickr images come up. Granted there are lots of kitties, hamsters, and sweaters...but there are also PEOPLE. like a chick that looks like my friend carmen, a clearly gay couple, and a 80s picture of a bunch of ladies hanging around a kitchen. Weird! love it! sometimes i just sit and watch the images go by and wonder...fuzzy? how??

i'm easily amused.

another FB questionnaire

2009-02-18T13:41:00.000-08:00

Rather than do this of FB (where people may see it), I'll hide my answers here. :)

1. Who was your FIRST prom date? Ralph

2. Do you still talk to your FIRST love? No.

3. What was your 1st alcoholic drink? Besides sips of my dad's beer, probably a wine cooler.

4. What was your FIRST job? Montgomery Ward...hot.

5. What was your FIRST car? 1976 volvo (eventually the front end was 1978 and the rear was 1976)

6. Who was the FIRST person to text you today? I haven't gotten any texts today - I don't get very many :(

7. Who is the FIRST person you thought of this morning? james. his alarm was trying to wake me up

8. Who was your FIRST grade teacher? no clue, but i liked her.

9. Where did you go on your FIRST ride on an airplane? Montgomery Alabama to visit aunt cleo and uncle jack and their scary-ass poodle, Nit Noi

10. Who was your FIRST best friend & do you still talk? (as a little, little girl) kari moore and andrea best--kari passed away, but andrea Yes (on FB)

11. Where was your FIRST sleep over? Kari and/or Andrea

12. Who was the FIRST person you talked to today? james

13. Whose wedding were you in the FIRST time? no clue--i was the go-to flower girl in our family for a few years

14. What was the FIRST thing you did this morning? cuddled the kitty

15. What was the FIRST concert you ever went to? besides rodeo concerts at the astrodome/san antonio, billy joel

16. FIRST tattoo? hook em

17. First piercing? My ears as a baby. SO mezican.

18. First foreign country you've been to? mexico, duh. almost mandatory if you live in south texas

19. FIRST movie you remember seeing? there were so many....maybe the biggest one i remember was Grease.

21. What was the first state you lived in? Texas

22. Who was your FIRST roommate? Steph!

23. If you had one wish. What would it be? Unlimited wishes, duh.

24. What is something you would learn if you had the chance? to love exercise. impossible, i know.

25. Who do you think will be the next person to post this? On FB? no clue

bjork

2009-02-09T16:50:00.000-08:00

after watching saturday night live where they made fun of bjork, james showed me this little gem on youtube.

she's complete nutter and should have probably been hospitalized a long time ago, but she's so dang cute, you can't look away!

stupid FB questions

2009-02-08T19:53:00.000-08:00

Some of my "friends" have been doing this on FB and their answers have really gotten me (and steph--i think) revisiting our recollection of the past. Here ya go...

SENIOR YEAR...

1. Did you date someone from your school?
Yes--ralph

2. Did you marry someone from your high school?
no

3. Did you car pool to school?
Ok. My memory says yes: Steph and I would take turns driving to school....and picking up Patty (which apparently never happened according to her) and Michelle F (which neither of us remember).

4. What kind of car did you have?
banged up old volvo

5. What kind of car do you have now?
banged up old civic

6. Its Saturday night...where are you now?
i was watching slumdog millionaire (this time with the husband and some friends)

7. Its Saturday night...where were you then?
sitting at home or driving around (steph remember when we got pulled over for reckless driving on SPID/xpressway?? that was weird), or bowling, or something else nerd.

8. What kind of job did you have in high school?
none

9. What kind of job do you do now?
education specialist (i'm awesome)

10. Were you a party animal?
too nerdy--ok, and patty says she was at all kinds of parties?? WHEN?! she was bummin rides off of us to do nothing.

11. Were you considered a flirt?
Heck if I know. I’ve been told that I was heavily lusted after, but I think that was just nature.--says michelle f. (shuddering)

12. Were you in band, orchestra, or choir?
Band, duh.

13. Were you a nerd?
Ummm…yes and no. I didn’t study enough to be a true nerd, but I was smart enough to be considered one.--says michelle. this is awesome.

14. Did you get suspended or expelled?
whatever.

15. Can you sing the fight song?
i think so! hail to our high school, honor to thy name....blah blah...GREGORY PORTLAND HIGH!

16. Who was/were your favorite teacher(s)
mr salinas--i felt bad for him; i ate crunch bars and slept (with a tiny pillow!!) in his class. good old days.

17. Where did you sit during lunch?
band hall

18. What was your school's full name?
Gregory-Portland High School

19. When did you graduate?
1990

20. What was your school mascot?
Wildcat

21. If you could go back and do it again, would you?
good lord no.

22. Did you have fun at Prom?
I didn't go to my senior prom. I wasn’t going to go without a date and my bf was on a JETS competition trip.--says michelle. WTF is JETS??
I say: yeah, i went with ralph, who was in college by then--i wonder if that was weird for him? i thought i was a badass.

23. Do you still talk to the person you went to Prom with?
not in about 10 years. sad...

24. Are you planning on going to your next reunion?
AW HAAAAAIIIIIILLLLL no. unless you wanna go, steph. ;)

25. Do you still talk to your friends from high school?
just the one that really matters. MISS YOU, STEPH!!!

fair weather UNfriend

2009-02-04T16:53:00.000-08:00

we've had gorgeous weather lately. stunningly clear. bright and shiny. mountain views everyday. decent temps (above 35). TOTALLY uncharacteristic. it mocks me. it reminds me how little i do outdoors. part of the beauty of living here is being able to say, "oh, i can't [insert outdoor activity here], it's too nasty outside". Without that excuse, i'm forced to face the truth...i'd almost always rather be inside than out. Sick, I know.

Even my vitamin D levels reflect my shut-in tendancy. My doctor has me taking supplements....or I could get more sunshine. Sadly, we're so dang north that even if I were to lay out in the beautiful sunshine, I wouldn't get what I need. I asked him to prescribe me a beach vacation, but he missed my attempt at humor and reminded me of the hazards of sunburns and skin cancer.

Do I have to move to North Dakota to avoid outdoor activity temptations? It's bad enough that the summers are so freakin beautiful here. Makes you feel so bad that you're not out hiking or climbing something.

On an unrelated tip: Anyone wanna meet me in Florida March 25ish?!?!? I wanna go to Disneyworld and can't convince my poop of a husband to go!

Quick x2: Week of 1/26-2/1

2009-02-02T15:22:00.000-08:00

*Slow and lazy. That’s me. Went to the gym once all week. Napped through the rest of the week (or as Perez Hilton says, “weak”).

*I traveled for work, which was nice. I got to stay in a beautiful historic hotel in Ashland—www.ashlandsprings.com. Totally charming, small room facing the mountains. A-freakin-dorable! Too bad the sidewalks roll up at 5pm, I couldn’t get to visit any of the equally adorable shops in town. At least I wasn’t tempted to shop!

*I’m reading another Anne Lamott book—she’s so good and funny and touching. If you haven’t read any of her books and consider yourself a Christian, you must check her out. Her thoughts on faith are so approachable and realistic. Not holier-than-thou in the LEAST. Very real. If you don't consider yourself a Christian, reading her might convince you that not all Christians and preachy and self-righteous.

*I’m so dang forgetful. Is it me or is it early Alzheimers??? I made it to the airport for my trip to Ashland to find I’d left all my very important stuff at home. I had to rebuy toiletries; find a decent book (the Anne Lamott); run without my ipod (truly unholy), and read my new book without my reading glasses (thankfully the wine I had at dinner eased the eye strain). Once I got home I missed the parking shelter because I was busy checking status updates on FB—ok, not Alzheimer’s fault, but still silly. Felt like an ass when the parking patrol guy came up and asked if I needed anything. He probably saw me shuffling around with my bag for ½ hour and thought to investigate.

*OMG. I LOVE, LOVE, LOVE, LOVE Battlestar Galactica! It sounds incredibly nerd, but it’s actually really, really good. Between BSG and Friday Night Lights, my Friday evenings are full of quality. For REALS!!! Pathetic.

*Shopping at costco feels so decadent. No, one really doesn’t need 40 lbs of chicken salad, but boy-howdy it’s only $12. How can I resist?? Brilliant!

*Saw “Slumdog Millionaire”. Holy crap. It’s been a long time since I’ve seen something so movingly, aching, painfully beautiful. I gasped, felt my stomach lurch, cried, laughed, and wanted to take home everyone in this movie. No words can sum up how much I loved this movie. Can’t wait to see it again. Beautiful. In another life I’d like to come back as Frieda Pinto—stunning.

Happy birthday Sara (again, and late)! :))

QUICK: jan. 19-25

2009-02-02T12:11:00.000-08:00

******ALL ABOUT OBAMA!! *******
I watched the inauguration on the web at work—oops! SOOOO many emotions—awe, pride, happiness, fear, nervousness, but most of all teary! To see such a smart and capable man take over after 8 miserable years of destructive and embarrassing nonsense was such a RELIEF! My faith in my country was restored.

And then…..

*I saw FB “friends” post their fears and complaints about Obama. Can you “unfriend” based soley on political views?!? I admit, reading those comments made me unexpectedly MAD. I honestly couldn’t believe there were people out there who could see this so completely differently. They even MISSED BUSH!! Unreal and distressing. Naturally, these people are living in Texas and couldn’t wait for him to return “home”—whatever, they can HAVE his idiotic ass. WANT TO PUKE WITH FRUSTRATION!

*Even more pukeworthy: CARROT CAKE!
I rarely bake. I fear all things that call for flour. Baking is precise and scientific and I’m enthusiastically half-assed. Now, the reason why I even made a cake speaks to my half-assedness. I have no concept of weights and measures (hense, I weigh more than the woman who was pregnant with 8 babies). I wanted to order carrots from the grocery store (James does all his shopping online, I occasionally add to his list), but the little pictures don’t tell you much about scale. I thought the 1 pound bag of carrots sounded kinda light, as did the 2 pound bag, so I went for the 5 pound bag of carrots. HOLY S#$%!!! I had more carrots than I knew what to do with! I roasted them, I candied them, I ate them with hummus and peanut butter….and STILL had a bag-load! So, I broke down and attempted the carrot cake recipe my mom has been using all my life (it’s my dad’s favorite, so she makes it every xmas for his bday). The cake (despite my fears) came out great…maybe a little too moist (I didn’t completely drain the pineapple), but the M-Fing ICING! Ugh!! Let’s see, it calls for powdered sugar, butter, cream cheese and vanilla. How exactly does that end up tasting like m-fing POISON?!?! It was bitter as all hell, but the husband swore it was good. He’s really too sweet sometimes. I knew that s*** was forked up!! I hate baking. SO frustrating. I can’t ever seem to get it all to work. I’ll leave it to Betty Crocker next time.

*Shopping Spree
Something came over me and I became a shopping fool. It’s all those ‘sale’ signs that did me in! Granted, nothing was expensive or luxurious, it just all adds up! Here’s the rundown of what I did in 1 afternoon:
-Spices at Penzey’s: so fun. I love that Martha Stewart and I shop at the same spice store. I rule!
-A couple of cheap-ass sweaters at TJ Maxx. I love that it’s known as TJ Mex in more Hispanic-heavy areas of town. ;)
-Another bottle of that L’Occitane stuff I love so much, plus a couple of other things….only had to spend $50 for the FREE TOTEBAG!! Ugh. I’m such a sucka.
-Tops at TALBOT’S. WTF?!?! Who the hell am I--a sorority lady?! But they were cute and cheap, just my style.
-Even MORE stuff at Bath and Body. That sale just doesn’t stop!
-Walmart. I’m a total hypocrite. I hate all that is Walmart, but I end up there more than I’d like. I went in to get a tub of cream cheese icing and a bottle of vanilla (for the damn cake—above), but ended up with $50 worth of CRAP! Stoopid!
-A new fancy hot iron to make my hair suri-straight. My old iron bit the dust after many years, so it was a little sad to have to say goodbye.

I think I’m done shopping for a while. I’ve got to get my s*** straight!
help!

quick quick

2009-01-22T17:23:00.000-08:00

For the week of 1/12-1/18:
****MENTAL BREAKDOWN! Not only was I premenstrual, I was also suffering from Lexapro withdrawl! My doctor took about a week to verify my refill, so I was dying ova hea! I felt dizzy, lightheaded, confused, on the verge of passing out and GROUCHY! Poor James spent most of the week saying “what is WRONG with you?” and “why are you freaking out about THAT?!”…which is like fuel to the mental instability fire…which means…accelerated anger (the not-so-fun-sister product to accelerated math—HA! RCS humor!). FYI, I finally got my meds, Fred came to visit, so things are looking up.

*Perhaps because of my mental state, I had a lot of energy. I found myself going to kickboxing almost every night of the week (only missed 2 nites—when it wasn’t offered). I know I need to mix up my workouts, but kickboxing is FUN!

*High winds: we’ve had beautiful weather for almost 2 weeks now—gorgeous sunny skies, clear nights, and WIND! Holy crap! I love me some winds (growing up on the coast has made me a wind-lover), but these winds were cah-raaaaazy! Gusts up to the 50 mph, trees falling down, roofs blowing off… Thankfully the only damage we suffered was my barbeque cover blowing away (never to be seen again) and my windchimes breaking.

*Sunday, I had a friend come over to do some “speed scrapping”—just cut, paste, and GO. No embellishing or journaling, just giterdone. I wasn’t able to take that approach, but I at least started on my wedding album. I forget how fun scrapping is, but I just wish I could drag out allllll my stuff and spread it out. It’s all packed away in little spots so I forget what I have. I want a craft room where I can do my mess. Real estate is just nuts in town, STILL! Sheesh! That’s a topic for another time….

Peace OUT!

stitch bitch

2009-01-21T23:14:00.000-08:00

ha HA! I did it! I used my new sewing machine that i got for xmas! I downloaded a simple pattern for a sewing machine cover, bought some pretty fabric, and in no time had a darling cover! The hardest part was threading the machine and SEWING ON THE FEATHER TRIM!! It was perfect until the damn trim. Whatever.

Here it is: black and white on front/back; black on top; yellow with white polka dot seersucker on sides.

The little pockets hold small 'notions'. FUN! (fyi, the buttons are decorative, they don't actually button. that's WAAAAY down the road).

yippee!!

quick, quick!

2009-01-15T15:22:00.000-08:00

I think i'll just jot down small random things that came up last week (1/5-1/11). Maybe easier than trying to think of an entire story or something. I'm all about quick and easy!

*Facebook addiction: omg. how did i let this happen?? i swear, i must go on there like 100 times a day. i'm totally addicted....which leads to...

*Flashbacks to high school: between FB and my new "do" (see below), all those awkward, inadequate feelings from high school have been flooding over me lately. in fact, the other night i had a dream where i was in a very narrow stairwell in my high school and i was literally being trampled by people from my school. Um. I'm no Freud, but I think there's something there.

*My new do: i was expecting a trim and ended up with something both wonderful and horrific. When it's straight I feel terribly chic and suri-cruise-like. When it's curly, i feel like i need to break out my doc martins, flannel shirt and Wine With Everything lipstick. it's like my head went right back to 1992... with the addition of crow's feet, bright and shiny grey hairs and forehead wrinkles.

*I'm bummed that one of my favorite co-workers, myra, has gone on to greener (and I DO MEAN GREEEEEN...as in MOOLAH!!) pastures. She is so funny and smart and wise and fun. I miss her already.

*I GOT AN IPHONE!!! I've been wanting one for a few months and used some xmas cash to get it. I still think it's just a dang phone, but people keep telling me it will change my life. I guess it has, seeing how all i use it for is to check FB and twitter.

*I bought 9 bottles of wine at costco the other day. Each bottle was under $10, but when you're at the martinez-owen household it's all about quantity, not quality. I love seeing my list of items at the checkout: 9 bottles of wine, toilet paper, and a giant bag of Kettle Chips. Homegirl must be stocking up for something VILE!

*Went to see The Reader. I wanna a booty like Kate Winslet's.

*Went to the Bath and Body Works sale 3 times in 4 days. Each time I went to pick up something specific and ended up with something totally different. I just gave up at the end. Anyone need body creme? Ooo! I got one that I think Steph will like! Heads up, I'll send it your way, girl!

* After Sara mentioned it, I got the Japanese eyelash Fiber mascara stuff from Sephora. Save your $. Sara, I was gonna try it out before giving it to you for your bday. It SUCKS. Pros: doesn't smudge and only comes off with water. CONS: doesn't lengthen or fatten your lashes, feels weird when it comes off (like slimy grime), and costs $20+. Also sucky: Benefit Bad Gal Lash. Smudgy, makes my eyes water and messy to apply. So far, nothing's better than my Queen Latifah Cover Girl whatever.

*I started the application online for a graduate program for Multicultural Early Intervention. Hopefully this will put me in a position to be able to seek greener pastures in the future, too!!

*This was my ovulation week and we had the mom-in-law visiting. James didn't feel romantic with his mama 12 feet away in our tiny house, or he was tired, blah blah blah. Thank goodness we're BOTH apathetic about this baby-making thing! ;)

peace OUT!

L.A. is for babies!

2008-12-11T17:24:00.000-08:00

After spending almost a week in the L.A. area, I can safely say I never want to live there, ever, ever, ever, ever, EVER. TOO ugly, too many highways, too much jacked-up stucco, and too much smog. there, i've said my peace.

HOWEVER, the reason I was in L.A. was for a conference by the Zero to Three people. It is a very well-respected group (co-founded by one Mr. T. Berry Brazelton...awww! he's awesome!!). I attended some really great sessions, and some really crappy ones. Here are some highlights...

* Gotta read "The Philosophical Baby" by Allison Gopnik. She is a FABULOUS speaker with all kinds of cool information on research on babies and toddlers. Behold...
--At 40 minutes of age, newborns are actually able to imitate human gestures like sticking out their tongue. Babies are amazing!
--At 18 months of age, babies can understand differences in desire. If an experimenter pretends to love broccoli rather than goldfish crackers and the babies are asked to give broccoli and crackers to the researcher, they will always give the person what they want. However, at 15 months, the babies will always give the researchers the crackers...afterall that's what they'd prefer! Babies are amazing!
--**My favorite**At 14 months, babies can understand altruism. They will crawl across a room to give researchers the pen they've dropped and "can't reach". Babies are NICE!
--By 4 years of age, they've learned that beliefs can be false and differ among people...and that beliefs can change. An experimenter shows a 4 year old a box of candies. When the child opens the box, there are only pencils. The 4 year old will say they thought there were candies, but now knows there are pencils. 3 year olds will say they ALWAYS thought there were pencils. Babies are ADORABLE! (fyi, children with autism spectrum disorder often don't develop this ability until 8-9 years of age).
--There's a study by Simon Baron-Cohen (Borat's cousin) that shows that if you look at videos of 1st birthday parties of children who have have since been diagnosed with autism spectrum disorder, you'll notice that they don't engage in the pointing, joint-attention, gaze-following or imitation behaviors of typically developing children. Babies are FASCINATING!
--Children are regulated by their own intrinsic need to be "good". Mothers who talk about feelings have children with higher emotional "IQ". Babies are SMART!
--Children as young as 6 months can recognize and prefer the baby doll that looks most like them.
--(Sad) When a black child was asked to play with a doll house and dolls of various races and ethnicities, the child put the white family downstairs and the black family upstairs because the black family were the renters and the white family owned the house. Babies are aware of social messages!
--Most psychotropic medications that are prescribed to young children are prescribed by pediatricians, NOT psychiatrists. From '91 to 2001, use of this medication has increased 10-fold! There is NO evidence that these medications are effective (let alone appropriate) for children 3 or younger. Most of these drugs have not even been approved for children under 6! The vast majority of children on these medicines are boys (71%).
--T. Berry Brazelton says that children have 'breakdowns' before major steps in development. They tend to "regress" before they "progress". Just know that if they're on the verge of a major milestone, they'll act a little nutty, but you'll both get through it and it will be all better. Babies are FUN!

I'll post about disney with pictures and everything later. it's time for me to put away my little notes and go home!

The most wonderful time of the year...

2008-11-29T16:36:00.000-08:00

So it has begun. It's officially Christmastime. Yeehaw! My favorite time of year. What I love as much as the food and seeing family and friends is the incessant holiday music everywhere I go.
Christmas music is probably my favorite musical genre. No matter how crappy you're feeling, if you hear that favorite holiday tune from your childhood, somehow you're transported to a Norman Rockwell-inspired false memory of Christmases past. Never mind that in reality Christmas was a season of almost non-stop stress, resentment and venom, in your mind it's all snowy cabins with otters and Rudolph.

Because of my love of Christmas music, I listen to the Christmas radio station most of the time I'm in my car..and at home. ANYhoooo, I consider myself to be a bit of a Christmas music expert. Here are some helpful tips for assembling your own Xmas Mix playlist...

BEWARE the following:
--"Let is Snow" by freakin Gloria Estefan. I generally can't stand her voice anyway, but when she assaults a perfectly nice song and adds an 80s Casio keyboard??? Turd-worthy.
--Mannheim Steamroller and/or Trans-Siberian Orchestra. It's ok in bits and pieces, but too much and it incites one to grab a New Yorker magazine and smack every last nerd off his "instrument". Especially when TSO starts the guitar solo. Rule of thumb: guitar riffs do NOT equal holiday cheer. duh.
--"This Christmas" by anyone. Awful. I love a little r&b as much as the next gal, but this song is just awful. Too much jazzy syncopation and just plain lame.
--The Beach Boys. They needed to stick to what they did best--surfer music and weed. "Little St. Nick"?!?! Who needs to hear "run run reindeer" 15 times in 2 minutes?!?!?
--"Wonderful Christmastime" by Paul McCartney. It's a well-known fact that SIR Paul has sucked for about 40 years now. One shudders to think about what the Beatles might have been, had they been left in the hands of only McCartney. This abomination of a song has all the soul-sucking power that only a McCartney s***-sandwich can generate. Again, it features a VERY dated Casio keyboard + a repetative chorus ("simply haaaaaving a wonderful christmastime") that tears at your earholes.
--"Feliz Navidad" by Jose Feliciano. Bless his heart, I know he's blind. But come ON! Surely he could have come up with a few more words for a song that lasts 18 minutes! I get it, Merry Christmas and Happy New Year...in SPANISH! Caramba!
--"Zat you, Santa Claus" by Louis Armstrong. ugh. This song just makes me anxious. In his voice it sounds ominous. Definitely NOT festive, just scary.
--Just stay away from these "artists" in general: AARON NEVILLE (unless you like that falsetto warble of his), James Taylor (just threw up in my mouf), Bon Jovi or Bruce Springsteen (unless you're from the east coast, in which case you lurv them).
--Also avoid anything with the words "smooth" and/or "jazz" before the word "Christmas" unless you're looking for a beat-down. There's a surprising amount of jazz Christmas music out there and I warn you now, it just sneaks in there! You're enjoying a perfectly normal sounding instrumental and all of a sudden the saxophone or brush-on-snare drum kick in and it's OVER!

This one is beyond bad. It's DANGEROUS!
--"Christmastime is here"(aka the Peanuts xmas song). HOLY CRAP git yer MEDS! If you suffer at ALL from any kind of depression, do NOT listen to this song. It's literally 6+ minutes of torture. I don't know if it's the minor key, the little kids moaning about christmastime being here, or the requiem-like tempo but this song is the biggest bummer EVER. How Charles "I never heard a piece of crap jazz tune I didn't like...and put it into my tv shows" Schultz ever convinced television dudes to include it in his equally depressing Christmas special is beyond me. That sad little tree crap does NOT fly with me, jack. Y'all don't KNOW how I would cry looking at all the sad little trees at the tree lots on Christmas eve. I blame Mr. Peanuts for that. Where's my lexapro and xanax-chaser????

THESE are great:
--"Oh holy night" by Tevin Campbell. A classic. Just KNOW dat.
--"Christmas (Baby please come home)" by U2. The best rendition of a novelty xmas song EVER. Love u2.
--"All I want for Christmas is You" by Mariah Carey. OMG. This. Song. Makes. Me. Want. To. DAAAAAANCE around the xmas tree! So fun, and happy and cheerful and festive. Everything you could hope for in a Christmas song. Go, mariah!
--"Happy Xmas" by John Lennon. Ok, this one just squeaked onto the 'nice' list. It's got WAY too much repetition and those kids and Yoko singing makes me nuts. HOWEVER, compared to what that ass-munch Paul McCartney did, it's a freakin classic.
--"Blue Christmas" by Elvis. Yes, it's sad, but it's dang-old ELVIS! Makes you want to make his Christmas all sweet and cheery, poor dear.
--"White Christmas" by Bing Crosby. So laidback it's like a contact-buzz! Makes you all warm and fuzzy inside.
--"Adeste Fideles" by Frank Sinatra. Makes you feel all smart and s*** cuz you can sing in LATIN, fool! YIS!
--4 words: "Ave Maria" by Liberace. If you've never heard it, check that s*** OUT! Unreal.

There. I hope you feel ready to troll through iTunes and find your OWN list of naughty or nice xmas songs! You're welcome.

jet settin'

2008-11-14T17:59:00.000-08:00

I've been on 5 airplane trips in 6 weeks! WTF?!?! Granted, most were short hops for work, but holy crap! I'm due for another flight for work in less than 3 weeks and then 2 weeks after that I'm flying home for Christmas! SHEEEESH!

I wish I had some hilarious witticisms on travel, but I ain't no stinkin comedian. I'm just tarred and ready for a weekend without the suitcase lurking. Here are a few recent thoughts on air travel....

* The only thing worse than being behind a family with small children at the airport security line is being behind the airline crew--especially the fabulously young guys. These guys have about a million electronic devices and ziploc bags that need to be removed from their high maintenence heavy-duty luggage!

* I wish I were a hottie-who-travels. These pharmacy reps (or whatever they do) wear cheap but tight black suits, high heels, they have hot purses and a real hairdo. Whatever it is they do, it must be pretty lucrative to pay for them boobs, too! I ungracefully schlep my way through the airport in baggy pants, a sweater and Danskos (easy to remove and COMFY) with a wet head--too lazy to dry my hair. NOT hot.

*Commuter airline gates at PDX = bus stations. Seriously. Ewww.

*God bless the sweet when you're traveling. For reals. I was having a particularly rough time of managing 2 rolling bags, my purse, and a sweater at the DFW rental car pavilion earlier this week. I hoisted one bag onto the bus that would take me to the terminal, turned to grab the other and noticed I'd dropped my sweater on the ground. By the time I picked up my sweater and turned to hoist bag #2, I saw a VERY attractive young man pick up bag #2 (about 50 lbs)and put it on the rack thingy. Awww!! So nice! Ain't no stranger ever done such a sweet thing for me in Portland, that's for sure! Suh-WEEET!

*To 'pay it forward' I switched my seat on the flight back to Portland so a hippie could sit with his girlfriend. Does karma count if by switching seats I also just happened to move about 10 rows up and away from a crying baby??

*I'm pretty sure I was snoring on the flight back to Portland. Pathetic.

*Helpful hint: NEVER volunteer to sit next to a chatty unaccompanied minor unless you're looking to be canonized as a saint....which I am not.

*Turbulence = me s****ing my pants. beware.

happy travels, suckas!

pinch me!!

2008-11-05T19:49:00.000-08:00

omg!! can't freakin believe what i saw last night! i was prepared to be disappointed. i've had 8 hears of practice, afterall.... even after the speeches i was afraid breathe a sigh of relief. when i saw that beautiful family come out and wave, i finally got the lump in the throat and realized that the 8 years of waking nightmares was over. it was like seeing bill clinton in 92--taking control after so many long dreadful years of republican domination.
no, it wasn't seeing jesse jackson weeping for the camera that got me...it was seeing that young presidential family take the stage that got me. so young, and talented, and accomplished, and INTELLIGENT..it was like a beam of sunlight. good riddance to that baffoon and his criminal cronies. there are no curses strong or offensive enough to express my true feelings about that as****e, and no flowery praise worthy to express my true feelings about Mr. Obama.

All I can say is....thankyouthankyouthankyouthankyouthankyouthankyouthankyou thankyouthankyouthankyouthankyouthankyouthankyouthankyouthankyou AMERICA!!!!!!!!!!

c list--quick and yummy!

2008-11-02T13:17:00.000-08:00

because i'm smelling so dang yummy and lovely, i had to post about a few things i'm loving right now!!

i'm SOOOO in love with the "luminous body cream" by L'Occitane right now!! OMG I got a tiny sample of it before it was released and as soon as it came out I was front and center to get my very own bottle. YUM! it's got a light fragrance, so it's not cheesy-flowery and a tiny bit of shimmer to highlight my awesome mexican tan (full-on ecru, son!). the shimmer isn't all stripper, just really subtle. nice. LOVE IT! i just hope it's rich enough for my scaly legs and arms when the weather gets colder.

the other thing they have that i LOVE is the 'after sun' lotion. I got some on vacation, but it was confiscated and thrown away at the cancun airport. MF-ers!! It just smells so dang good!!!!! If you tan a lot, it might be worth it. Smells SOOOO good!!!

holy crap, how fun is Real Housewives of Atlanta?!?!?! LOVE those girls. They're so over-the-top and nutty! I never really liked the gals from Orange County or NYC, but these girls are great!! LOVE them!

FALLING BACK!!! I love having an extra hour! I felt all earlybird this morning! I woke up in time to watch Meet the Press! HOLLA! Way to seize the day!

This AIN'T my Texas!!!

2008-10-26T13:58:00.000-07:00

So last weekend I drove from San Antonio to Portland, Texas to surprise my mom for her 60th bay. It was a beautiful Sunday morning: sunny, warm, breezy, clear as a mutha-f-ing bell. Just perfect. Made me really homesick for the beautiful Texas hill country and coastal bend....until....I came upon this van about an hour south of San Antonio. Thank goodness I had the camera right next to me.

(it reads: Christians agains Hussain Obama Dangerous Muslim and has pictures of Michelle Obama.)

THIS is precisely why I can't consider moving back to Texas right now. I know this kind of ridiculous crap is rampant across our United States, but somehow it just hurts a lot more when I see/hear it in Texas. THIS is not my Texas. My Texas was never one of the more progressive states in the Union, but holy s$##. This is just depressing. Where's our LBJ? Where's our Lloyd Bentsen? Where's our Barbara Jordan or Ann Richards? Dead and buried...and seemingly forgotten. It just breaks my heart.

When I read, hear, or see crazy stuff like this in Oregon (usually outside of the Portland/Salem/Eugene area), I can dismiss it as those 'f-ed up Oregonians'. I really don't have an emotional investment in the state of Oregon. I love where I live and I'm happy to be in a place with so many like-minded people, but for the most part, I don't feel attached to Oregon. I don't care if the state is full of redneck rubes, it's not my state.

But Texas....dear Texas....that's another story. I can't be there seeing the poor, the minorities, the old being duped into believing Republican lies. My own father has been seduced by AM talk radio. Thankfully, his deep Democratic roots wouldn't let him vote against his own interests and vote for McCain. But what about next time? When he's 67--with 4 more years of Republican mind-washing? If my own blue-collar, God-fearing, "the man"-hating, yellow-dog-Democrat father can fall victim to their lies, no wonder my home state is where it's at.

PLEASE, let Obama be the hope and the change needed to show everyone, particularly Texans, the truth about Republicans. That they're NOT interested in helping the poor, the old, the minorities or anyone, for that matter, who makes less than $500,000 a year. They cry about taxes, but they're not the ones paying them! The rich always manage to weasel out of paying their taxes. Why else would anyone "bank" in the Cayman Islands and Dubai?? To avoid being taxed!

Deep cleansing breath....vote obama. He's sweet.

mexican memories: dos

2008-10-23T14:08:00.000-07:00

Here are a few more I just remembered....

--NOW: I could feel my thigh-hairs blowing in the wind as I was sunning myself. Sadly, somewhere along the line I've become my mom and have stopped shaving above the knee as often as I should. THEN, I would have shaved every bit of my legs...and then some. Meow! (not to worry, I was appalled at myself and promptly got rid of the long locks blowing in the wind--a gross feeling, by the way)
--NOW: I listened to my iPod on the beach....of a 60 Minutes podcast!!!!! WTF?!?!?! Seriously, how OLD am I??!?!?!?!?! THEN, I toted a 40-lb boombox from Texas to Cancun in order to listen to Soundgarden CDs, and now I'm listening to something only 80 year-olds care about?!?! ugh. sad. I blame the upcoming election for this behavior.
--NOW: I carried a purse everywhere I went...with a packet of kleenex in it! Only grandmas carry a permanent stash of Kleenex on them at all times! THEN, it was $ and lipstick (wine with everything by Revlon)and a hotel key in the pocket and that was IT!
--NOW: I wore long skirts to hide my girth and BodyGlide to prevent chafing from my giant thighs rubbing together. THEN: two words--Daisy Dukes.

Regardless, I intend on going back to the area again and again, as long as I can. It's just too beautiful. The water in Cancun is so turquoise, it truly almost hurts to look at it. So vibrant. I hope to add a photo of the water soon...gotta download from the camera.

Can't wait to go back. If my lady-bits don't work and there aren't any babies in my future, expect to find me plunking down my $$$ on a beachfront condo. My fantasy is to look like this lady by the time I'm 45.

mexican memories

2008-10-22T17:48:00.000-07:00

I halfway composed this blog while sunning myself on the beach a couple of weeks ago, but life being as it is I'm just now getting around to actually writing it up!

My husband and I recently spent a week near Playa del Carmen and I had all sorts of thoughts and observations swirling around. This was the first time I visited the Cancun area with a man...and only the 2nd time I'd been there not "on the prowl". What a weird sensation, I have to say. Here's a brief list of things that are different in Mexico as a 36 year old married woman than as a 24 year old single lady....

--NOW: there's a LOT more of me to love. I think I'm 40 pounds heavier than the first time I visited Cancun at age 20. At this rate I'll be 800 pounds by the time I go at age 50! Slow down, vaca!
--NOW:i stayed at a fancy resort...not the cheap-ass place that was available for 2 nights/3 days for $239 air/hotel included. Then again, it was not exactly about the hotel back then. It was all about having a place to change from swimsuits to skank-wear and sleep off the buzz before starting over again.
--NOW: i was in bed watching tv (YES, TV!! i love it!) by 11:00 every night. Shoot, back in the day, that's when we'd be transitioning from beer to hard alcohol...with tragic consequences.
--NOW: i actually ate good, quality, mexican food. Then, I remember eating at DENNEY'S and KFC!! WTF?!?! Of course, that was after eating guacamole, chips and quesadillas all day.
--NOW: I drove past the clubs in Cancun...during the daytime. Then, we'd close the dang things down! We even rode in the back of a pickup with a bunch of the waiters back to our hotel! WTF?!?!?!?!?!?!? (sad note: of our favorite bars, only Daddy O's is still around. La Boom is bust, Fat Tuesday's is gone, Tequila Rock is a fancy shopping center...SAD!!)
--Now: I didn't flirt with a single waiter!! Then, if we weren't kissing them, dancing with them, hugging them or taking their pictures, we were screaming at them about how awesome they were and how much we wanted to live in Cancun.
--Now: I was referred to as "Señora". OUCH. Then, I was "chica, linda, amor" etc. Damn my husband (and the aging process)(or ruining my game!

I'll add to this with more mexican memories...for now i gotta go home and wash down my sorrows with tequila and lime.

me + cardio classes at gym = uncoordinated mess!

2008-10-02T13:05:00.000-07:00

Because of my high school's woefully pathetic cheerleading "squad", I've long believed that cheerleading had nothing to do with preparation for useful, valuable or interesting life skills. Well, let me just say, I was WRONG!

The only "skills" our high school cheerleaders had involved doing that jump in the air with one leg in front, the other cocked back in some hook, or something, and screaming "go cats" every 3 seconds. HOWEVER, I'm pretty sure even THEY were trained in the art of the 'step-ball-change', 'grapevine, and the ever-elusive 'air-jack'.

How I wish I'd been enrolled in a dance class where I might have learned these things instead of 5 years of boring old ballet. Ballet was so slow and tedious: pointing toes, bending, and stretching arms. These moves hardly prepare one for step aerobics, kickboxing or zumba. I'm so uncoordinated and awkward looking, it's sad. My air-jack (a jumping jack where you're supposed to leap into the air) gets about 6 inches off the ground. My grapevine has quite literally made me twist MY KNEE (WTF?!?!?). My step-ball change includes about 3 more steps than anyone else in the room. I've been doing cardio classes for about 4-5 years now, off and on, and I still have no idea what i'm doing. I think having even a small amount of dance training prepares your body (and brain) to move quickly.

Zumba is what was previous known as 'latin moves' or salsa. My hips (though of considerable girth) do not move as fluidly as the 45 year old size 0 instructor. i left mid-class last night because (a) didn't want to miss project runway and (b)i was stomping around in place so long i realized i wasn't really working out. just staring at the instructor and trying to coordinate my legs and arms.

so, from now on...all children under the age of 10 should be exposed to at least 2 years of dance: preferrably tap/jazz/hiphop. Ballet is about as dull as a box of rocks and not nearly as fun. 3rd position, my arse!

it's time for mesico, people!

2008-09-30T10:32:00.000-07:00

the countdown has begun. only 3.5 days until we leave for a week in playa del carmen. i have yet to:
1) lose 30 pounds
2) get more tan than a sheet of notebook paper (them blue lines are like my lovely spider veins--hot!)
3) wax my 'stache and brows (FORGET ABOUT ANYWHERES ELSE, sheesh!)
4) reserve a rental car
5) check the weather for the week we're there
6) begin taking black walnut tincture to prevent beach-ceviche-gastrointestinal-apocalypse version 2.0
7) return my overdue library book and secure beach-read
8) sync my ipod with fun new podcasts
9) try on swimsuits to ensure any of them fit--not likely
10) convince my husband not to take the computer and be tempted to work while on the beach. though, i plan on nursing a beer buzz 24/7, so what do i care?!

ok. lots to do and i'm here at work! craziness.

stuff and more stuff

2008-09-19T17:26:00.000-07:00

I loved the movie Amelie. I liked how they had the voiceover dude explain what Amelie liked and what she didn't. My favorite was how she liked dunking her hand into the barrel of lentils. Here's my little list of things i like and things that make me want to claw my ears and eyes out.

I love:
-flavored coffee. More often than not, a variation of vanilla nut. Mmm. Chemical coffee.
-the furminator. it's like a science experiment. exactly how much brushing before there's no kitty left? no matter how much we brush, there's always another wad of hair!
-leather car interiors. smell so GOOD!
-the feeling of my nails on my lips. sounds erotic. it's not. believe me.
-when my nails extend at least 2 millimeters above my finger tips (see previous)
-food, especially baked goods
-catching a whiff of my clean hair.
-a full tank of gas and no traffic.
-falling asleep with the tv on.
-clean sheets and a buzz.

I HATE:
-toenails scratching me: my own, my cat's or my husband's. CLIPPERS, people. check em out!
-the sound and feeling of pushing a shopping cart over asphalt. It reminds me of when I was a kid rollerskating on the street. I hated it then and I hate it now.
-quiet. i need noise and distraction. can never be left with my own thoughts and feelings. could be darker and uglier than i'm willing to explore.
-smelling other people. walking into someone else's cloud of funk makes me wanna hurl.
-driving. i'm over it. i've been doing it 20 years and i've had enough. sadly the previous point makes me reluctant to explore public mass transit.
-close games. they're supposed to be "good", but i prefer a blowout every time. 72-0? i can drink my beer in peace without tearing up my cuticles to bits.

fun!

deeeelightful.

2008-08-29T14:33:00.001-07:00

I’d just like to clarify something ickily female: “spotting” isn’t cute. It’s nothing like a Dalmatian, or a polka-dotted skirt, or even raindrops on a windshield. It’s more like a “smear”. Like something on your shoe after walking through a dog park, or what you wipe off a toddler’s nose. In other words, it ain’t fun or funny. Ugh.

books of note...summer 2008!

2008-08-10T12:50:00.000-07:00

I thought I'd share a list of books I've read (or started reading) this summer. I've been on a bit of a tear (being laid up and all...).

I started the summer reading both a book club book (Last Empress) and American classic, Native Son. HOLY CRAP! Native Son is H-E-A-V-Y!!! Really remarkable given when it was published (1940). It gives such a powerful vision of what it was like to be a black man in America at that time. Looking at Barack Obama and where he is poised to be in the fall, it speaks volumes on how far we've come as a society. But dang, this book was ROUGH! I'd like to read the Cliff Notes on it to see what all I missed (i'm real dumb and don't comprehend a lot of stuff). :)

Madeleine is Sleeping (bookclub book). What a nutty, delightful, dreamy book! Follows Madeleine (from the children's books) as she sleeps (snow white-style) and dreams about all kinds of wacky, sexy, grisly things. Really fun read. Also, the book cover photo (taken by Alice in Wonderland author, Lewis Carroll) is just gorgeous. Easy, lovely, reading.

Housekeeping. I honestly don't remember this one at all. All I know is, that I missed bookclub by a WEEK! It was during my convalescence, so naturally, I was a little confused. I sent an email to the entire bookgroup telling how I'd be there with bells on and included some pathetically witty remark about how my potluck offering would match up with the book's theme....on the DAY AFTER THE MEETING!! sheesh! what a dork.
OH! Ok, after looking it up on Amazon, I remember now. It was about a couple of orphan girls whose nutty lost-long aunt comes to take care of them... and basically clutters up the joint and their lives.

After that I had to look at my bookshelf for things I hadn't already read (not able to leave the bed/house it was slim pickins around here!). I finally dusted off the copy of "In the Time of the Butterflies" by Julia Alvarez that my brother had given me a few xmases ago...in SPANISH! I had been meaning to read it but wasn't looking forward to the mental gymnastics required. I think I understood about 90% of it. There are a HELL of a lot of words I don't know! In fact, I learned how to say 'cleavage' in spanish...but have since forgotten it (not having many opportunities to use such a description).

Once I'd finished that, it was close to my bday, so I was flush with bday money! I bought "Women's Bodies, Women's Wisdom" by Oprah's va-jay-jay doctor from Amazon because I saw about 10 minutes of her talking about how a woman in the audience suffering from cripplingly painful fibroids was actually creating her own condition by not nurturing her creativity...and because she was with a dead-beat boyfriend. This crazy s%$# is for ME, i thought.
Once it arrived, I flipped right to the ovarian cyst section and read that I TOO had caused my condition by neglecting my creative center! Huh! I guess she forgot that I had actually created something quite fanciful and macabre...my buttery hairball creatures....all in the recesses of my cooter! Take THAT Doctor! Before I could summon the woo-woo mindset necessary to read the book, my brother saved me once again.

For my bday he and his lady sent me a signed copy of "When You Are Engulfed in Flames" by David Sedaris. Surely, not as funny as "Me Talk Pretty One Day", easily one of the better things I've read in a while. In this book, David and his partner move to Japan for a few months so he (david) can quit smoking. I especially liked the description of the cooky songs played at the grocery store: "For He's a Jolly Good Fellow", "Rock-a-bye Baby", "Supercalifragilisticexpialidocious", "The Bear Went Over the Mountain" and "Heigh-ho, heigh-ho, it's home from work we go". This delights me to no end. My only similar experience was hearing the "Only Coca-Cola" tune and the "Eyes of Texas" at a
Vietnamese restaurant here in Pdx. Nutty!

Once I was mobile, I picked up the next bookclub book, "The Laments" about a family whose baby is switched (with their permission) and their travels around the world. A good, lighter than you might think book. Nothing to go nuts over, but it's entertaining and bittersweet.

Because it was so dang easy to read, I returned it to the library and bought another book that I might recommend we read for bookclub 08-09: "The Dogs of Babel". It's about a grieving widower who tries to teach his dog to talk to find out why his wife killed herself. A bit of a downer, but entertaining and quick to read as well. I was up the other night until 3 finishing it. It was one of those 24-hour reads.

Now, I'm killing time until we select new bookclub books next week. I'll probably end up reading "Start Strong, Finish Strong" (SIGNED copy!!) by the Coopers of the Cooper Clinic in Dallas (xmas present from mom-in-law). It's all about "prescriptions for a lifetime of great health".
Or else I'll go back to the infant/toddler development textbook my previous boss at work recommended I read,
or the Reggio Emilia educational philosophy book my current boss lent me to read...last year. I kinda feel obligated to finish and return it before one of us retires!

Any suggestions on things to read??? That DON'T involve exercise or educational/developmental philosophy?!?!

Feeling good. DAMN good!

2008-08-07T17:38:00.000-07:00

Oy. After a couple of weeks spent laid up in bed with television and ‘hillbilly heroin’, then another couple of ‘light duty’ if I were in the manual labor workforce, I think I’m almost feeling normal. The unfortunate thing is that I can now move almost as clumsily and awkwardly as before my belly came into contact with what I can only imagine was a 12 inch O.J.-style “hunting” knife. One positive: when I look at myself naked (which I avoid as much as possible) I’ve discovered that my torso looks like a giant, lumpy, contemptuous face. Baggy “eyes” (my rockin’ 34Ds), red and puffy “nose” (my still-healing laparoscopicly-invaded belly button) and an indignant pink smirk (my 5 inch incision). I’m loovly.
The thing about healing is, I can now do more than sit around and moan. After my surgery, I was able to sit and bark out orders. Too much in pain to make the salmon, I used all my teaching skills to lead my husband through the fine art of oiling the cedar plank, heating the oven and squeezing lime over the top. My secret is out. What looks (to him) like a complicated culinary ordeal is easier than Kraft mac n’ cheese. (mmmm craving mac n’ cheese)
Tragically, I think I’m also able to scoop the cat litter, too. I’ve gone 4 weeks avoiding it because I told James it wasn’t “sanitary” for my wound to be near poop….because I hold the litter scoop with my cooter?!?! Thankfully he hasn’t questioned that.

Ok. Off to put on my housedress from Walmart (less than $10 if you can believe such a bargain!), pour my red wine (it’s like, medicine, y’all!) and get tipsy enough to scoop poop before watching the finale (so soon?!?!) of “So You Think You Can Dance”. My faves are not in the finale, so I’ll probably have a 2nd glass of “medicine” (I’m HEALTHY, y’all!) to make me care.

Here are my favorites from SYTYCD doing a hip-hop routine that almost made me cry (check out the face on the girl!)! I LURVE YOU CHELSIE AND MARK!!!!! (it's a long clip, skip the interview part and the judges at the end!)

My mosaic! Thanks, Sara!

2008-08-06T14:09:00.000-07:00

I copied Sara and did my very own mosaic

Here are the questions and my answers:
1. my name: clarissa (LOVE this picture!!)
2. favorite food: spaghetti
3. high school: GP (gregory portland didn't come up with anything good)
4. favorite color: red
5. celebrity crush: clive owen
6. favorite drink: red wine (but i loved the picture of the beers!)
7. dream vacation: duh, maldives
8. favorite dessert: brownies (she had brownie *cameras* so i went for the snow white baby. cute!!)
9. when i grow up i wanna be: happy
10: what i love more than anything: food (boy, it was hard finding something i liked on this guy's deal!)
11. word that best describes me: still (more positive sounding than "inert")
12. my flickr name: clarissamtz didn't come up with anything, duh, so i used garcia espana--love the shoe store picture!

hoo ray for the golden arches!

2008-06-03T13:00:00.000-07:00

One of the many things I miss about Texas is the food. The barbeque, the Mexican food, the kolaches, Whataburger, and all the little places here and there that make your heart sing...as it fills with grease.
Thankfully, I've been able to recreate a lot of what I miss, or at least find reasonable approximations.
No, there's no Whataburger, but those Burgerville shakes sure do help make up for that.
No, there's no more Shiner Bock.....ok, there's just no substitution, but I'll accept a Negra Modelo.
No, the Mexican food places here don't measure up to my mom's cooking (on a BAD day!), but she's now taught me how to recreate such essentials as carne guisada, menudo, and on her recent visit, tamales, chiles rellenos and pan de polvo.
Thanks to my dad and brother, I think I can now even prepare my own barbeque brisket...though Mac's Fine Pit in Gregory Tx is true nirvana.
We even haven Schlotzsky's and Sonic here now, for crying out loud! Yippee!!

One of the lone staples that I couldn't quite recapture was Chik-fil-A. There had been one at the mall when we first moved to town, but it went away. I thought I'd never see another fried chicken sandwich on a fluffy bun with only a couple of oddly sweet pickles to keep it company until TODAY! On a whim (when all great genius takes place) I thought I'd have a Happy Meal at McDonald's for lunch. I usually only do this when I travel and can't bear to sit by myself in a restaurant with a book--sad. Today, however, I had an intimate doctor visit (ewwwwww!) and felt I needed something Happy. Just as I was about to order my usual HM, the dude on the intercom asked if I was interested in trying the new "Southern Style Chicken Sandwich". I immediately answered no, I knew what I wanted! THEN, it hit me. That could be like a Chik-fil-A!! I changed my mind and ordered one. I was grossed out by its fried smell in the car, made worse when I passed a truck hauling a metric ton of live, adorable, chilly, wind-blown chickens. What had I done?!?!

When I got back to my office, I took one bite and was transported back to my college days working at Montgomery Ward, having a quick lunch at the CFA next door. No, it's not exactly like CFA...it's actually BETTER!!! The bun is fluffier and the chicken is meatier! SO delicious. No, you can't get a side of waffle fries or weird sweet/watery coleslaw, but you CAN get this sandwich on SUNDAYS. Something CFA doesn't do.

So, for the time being (i'm sure this sandwich is for a limited time only) I'm a happy Texan living in the land of fleece, subarus and organic/local-only food. Thank you, McDonalds!
(btw, last month i seriously checked out CFA's website and clicked on the link to become a franchise owner. i'm hardcore.)

global warming...what a pain in my arse!

2008-06-02T22:22:00.001-07:00

I can only blame this crap on global warming. seriously. I'm through. finished. ready to rip out my hair at the roots.
i went to a dr. appointment this morning before work. i had on some normal pants, a long-sleeved tshirt and sandals (MUST post about those later). One would think that on JUNE 2 (!!) that would be a reasonable outfit to wear to work. Well, hells to tha NO!
I actually had to run home after my appointment and change into a TURTLENECK AND DANSKOS!!! It must have been in the high 40s and drizzly (of course). SO ANNOYING! not that i'm in any hurry to show my big fat white body or anything, i'm just sick to #$%@ of cold and rain.

had to vent. where's the dad-burn SUN already?!?!?!

Idol worship

2008-05-09T11:44:00.000-07:00

Oh jeez. This week was really rough.
Jason Castro, my favorite now that Michael Johns was gone, decided to sing 2 of the most horrendous songs EVER and went home. Shoot, I was ready to help him pack after hearing he'd chosen BOB FRACKIN MARLEY as his first song. WTF?!?!? There are 2 music genres I really hate--reggae and jazz. There are another few I really dislike--folk, Jimmy Buffet, James Taylor and classic rock.
ANYWAY, Jason Castro was really workin my nerve singing that "I shot the sherrif" B.S. I mean really! How much did he want to allienate the little girls that think he's cute? A song about shooting a law officer? Scary! Not only that, anyone who hears the song gets an instant contact high. I'm sorry but it was just too obvious: the dreadlocked hippie singing Bob Marley? I can smell the patchouli from here!
THEN, he follows that up with a BOB DYLAN tune???? One that he can't even remember all the words for?? BORING! Yuck! No wonder the little girls are letting Archuleta slide into the finals. He sings about love and flowers and looks longingly into the camera. Mumbling about "Mr. Tambourine Man" doesn't cut it with the tweens, my friend. Back to Texas with ye. He was doing so well for a while there!!! So sad.

I really don't care who wins anymore. I suspect it will be the "rocker" with a gut--David Cook, but I don't care.

mah melons!!

2008-04-26T21:23:00.000-07:00

Holy crap!!
I went to Nordstrom today to use up a gift card on a few new brassieres (a couple of my old raggedy ones are now pokin and itchin me). I figured I'd go for a proper bra fitting. Sounds like a fun Saturday afternoon, right?! :)

Well, I followed the girl into the dressing room and she had me take off my top and take a look at my tatas in their current state--a lacy thing that i thought was far less embarrassing than the other dingy ones lurking in my lingerie drawer. She took one look and said, "well, that's too small". She measured my torso and told me I was a..............

(wait for it).....................

.............34 D!!!!!!!!!!!!!

WTF?!?!?! Never in my life have I ever been able to appropriately fill in a B cup!!! In fact, I was wearing a 36 A!!!!!! I was convinced she was kidding with me, but she poked around and pointed out all the side boob-fat that was hangin out the sides and reminded me that when I took off my shirt my bra nearly popped up and off. Hmm. I was still unconvinced until she went off and found me a few 34 Ds (still can't type that without shaking my head in disbelief) to try on.

OMG!! They FIT!! She adjusted the straps and had me lean over to jiggle my gals into place (I'd NEVER done that before) then stood up and looked in the mirror. NOT A GAP IN THE CUP ANYWHERE!!!! I was stunned. I was feelin all busty and gorgeous, so I went and bought 3 new pairs plus a few new Hanky Panties (OUCH!! Thank goodness for the stimulus check coming my way!). I have to admit, my boobs do look way better in my fancy new bra (she threw my old one away and let me wear my new one out), but I still can't believe I'm wearing a D cup!! However, one important point, I still ain't got no cleavage. What a rip-off!

Well, I was walkin around the Nordstrom feelin all Pam Anderson and whatnot, so I called a friend to brag about my "new" boobs. She just laughed and said, "oh, now THAT'S a good weight-gain story". SNAP!! She's totally right! I didn't gain 2-3 cup sizes in awesome boob (otherwise i'd have cleavage), I gained 2-3 cup sizes in FAT. Just like everywhere else on my rapidly aging body! UGH!!

Oh well, I'll take it. I can't lose weight now, I'll lose all this side-boob that's plumping up my bra!

yippee for back/side fat!!

lady singer...a good one!

2008-04-25T14:16:00.000-07:00

I almost always have my ipod on shuffle to be surprised by what comes up. one song that doesn't come up nearly enough is "hey mister" by suzanna choffel. she's a songwriter from somewhere in the midwest or something, but now lives in austin. she's a buddy of my brother's and played at the barn-b-que he and his friends put on a couple of years ago. since then, this little tune has been getting quite a bit of airplay in austin.

she was up in portland last year and i bought her album "shudders & rings" at the show.
this is a rough recording, but it's worth a watch/listen. it's one of those songs that you know you could have related to in your early 20s--all that time wasted with beautiful boys who flew in and our of your life...AND this video also makes me miss live music in austin.

OMGOMGOMGOMGOMG!!!!!

2008-04-11T09:43:00.000-07:00

My favorite "Idol" to watch (Michael Johns)is gone!!!!! Holy crap!!!
What will I do now?!?!?!?!!?
such a sad, sad day.
I'm all about jason castro now. i guess he's ok to look at, but i just imagine those smelly dreads and it's all i can think about. thank goodness he has the voice of an angel. if only he can not be completely baked when they talk to him. there are times i'm sure he's got a bong hidden backstage. keep it together, guy!

btw, just to clarify--i don't care for the musical stylings of david archuleta. i actually don't understand his song choices. i just love saying the name "david archuleta". maybe i'll name my next cat david archuleta cuz it's so fun to say.

IGNORE ALL COMMENTS THAT SAY "TRY HERE" OR SOMETHING!! SCARY!

american idol...faves

2008-04-08T20:45:00.000-07:00

just really quickly here are my favorites...

my favorite to SAY is David Archuleta. I even woke up one morning saying his name. How fun is it to say DAVID ARCHULETA?!?!?

my favorite to HEAR is Jason Castro. He has the most perfect song choices! So beautiful.

my favorite to WATCH is Michael Johns. He has that charisma that gets my motor running. yum.

the gals? all but the country girl from oregon are fine. i don't care.

HOT!!

2008-03-28T12:11:00.000-07:00

So, finally to catch up on my previous post about the alligator shirt saga....

Monday (as promised) I went down to Sak's to see their selection of Lacoste shirts. Holy crap. There were tons. I grabbed a stack of blue shirts because they were calling my name. I didn't want pink (too preppy) or yellow (i look ill in yellow) or green (too University of Oregon), so I figured a pretty blue would be nice.

I tried them all on and wouldn't you know it? I actually liked the red one better!

Until I saw the black. SO TYPICAL for me!! I TRIED to get out of my comfort zone and was sucked back into black! (no picture yet)

Then I went nuts and bought a long-sleeve stiped shirt (pink and light grey)!!!
There goes my spending money for a couple of months.
Phew. At least I can sleep at night now.

happy easter!

2008-03-23T13:47:00.000-07:00

It's a beautiful, cloudy, rainy, chilly spring day here in Portland. Yippee. I made chocolate chip pancakes, eggs, sausage and slept through mass.

I hope the rest of y'all are having a wonderful day and taking lots of pictures!
Check this out for some cuteness...http://www.cuteoverload.com/

adventures at the mall

2008-03-23T12:59:00.000-07:00

as a childless woman in her mid 30s I have a lot of time on my hands. i've noticed that in the past couple of years i've gotten wild hairs about things and feel compelled to see them through. sadly these are not wild hairs about self-improvement or anything, mostly just crap i need to buy. for instance, after i watched 'the real housewives of new york city' i realized i desperately needed an Izod polo shirt! i also got the idea that i desperately needed a new set of grapefruit spoons (not because of the show, but because i had giant grapefruits in the fridge and no proper spoons to eat them--tragedy!)

i drove right over to the mall and spent over 2 hours searching for alligator shirts and grapefruit spoons! ridiculous!!

i started at macy's (they have a little of everything). i searched every department and came up empty. after about an hour there i realized nobody had greeted me, asked me if i needed help, or acknowledged my existence. now, as a former retail monkey i know that's poor customer service. at one point, i thought i'd do an experiment. i stood in the middle of racks, with my hands at my side staring straight ahead....about 2 feet away from a 'sales associate' who was putting away clothes. out of the corner of my eye i saw her browse through a rack of shirts, presumably find her size and go to the scanning thingy to see the sale price! she was doing her own shopping and couldn't be bothered to ask the strange woman staring like a zombie if there was anything she needed! finally i asked if they carried any izod tshirts. she said no, not in her section (sporty-spice dockers, liz claiborne, etc) and that i should look further up the store. i knew she was full of crap because no way were preppy tshirts going to be up in the section with the cooler stuff.

however, to test her knowledge and continue my experiment i went up to the front of the store (where the "cool" designer stuff is) and again i stood straight and touched/said nothing. again, i had to flag a woman down asking about the izod shirts. she pointed me to the back of the store (where i'd just come). AAAARRRRRGGGGGGHHHHH!!!!!

I went to Nordstrom thinking maybe Izod was a little more high-end than I expected. Of course the customer service was just as aloof. I didn't do my serial-killer stare experiment, though because i was just too tired. i saw they had the shirts i was looking for in the men's and boy's departments, but not in ladies. WTF?!?!?!?!?!?

Finally I went to Penney's...maybe Izod was even less high-end than I thought. Again, no greeting, but that was fine. I don't expect much from Penney's....until I saw the IZOD DEPARTMENT!!! Holla!!! Sadly, what I found was this: (only a woman's version) when what I wanted was this:

AARRGGGGHHH!!! So, I went in search of the grapefruit spoons....which are available at any grocery store for a couple of bucks. That wouldn't fly with me, so I went looking for the Kitchen Kaboodle at the mall...which had moved....to the "extension" called "west village' or some crap. See, the mall has added an outdoor mall "experience" next to the mall to compete with the fancy Bridgeport Village (an outdoor concept mall south of town). I'm not sure where this is supposed to work. In a place with a climate that is lucky to have 3 months of dry weather and sunshine or a place with a climate that is lucky to have 3 months of under 100 degree temperatures?!?!? ANYHOO....

I hiked the 1/2 mile to the Kitchen Kaboodle in the bracing wind and found my grapefruit spoons..for $3 a piece. Not too bad! They're cool looking. On my trek to the spoons I stopped by Red Mango to see what it was. It said "now open, always healthy". intriguing. turns out it's a remarkable addictive frozen yogurt place. I had the original yogurt (tastes tangy like plain yogurt, but sweet) instead of the green tea and had mango and almonds mixed in. HOLY CRAP!!! SO tasty! I'm already craving it! That's all I freakin need...something ELSE i love to eat!

So, when I got home I went online to see where the heck i could find the alligator shirt (lacoste...apparently no longer associated with Izod?!) i've been craving all of 6 hours. Turns out, in Portland, the only place to find them is at SAKS FREAKING 5TH AVENUE....for $75!!!!! WTF??? I'm going on Monday to check them out and see if I still really need them. Can you imagine?!?!?! Back in the day, they were only $15. Man i'm getting old.

I'll post again monday night...perhaps with a photo of me in my new high-dollar shirt?!?! hopefully not because i will have come to my senses.... wish me luck!

Lepre-corn?!?!

2008-03-20T14:16:00.000-07:00

So I go to the gym at least 3 days a week (usually 5, not that you can tell...i have lumps and rolls all over the place) and I really enjoy all the people-watching it affords me. Some is amusing, some is repulsive, and some is just....amazing.

I hate the over-use of the word "amazing". I blame the show Felicity. Everyone and everything on that show was described as "amazing". Puh-leeeeeze. ANYWHOO....

I realize I have absolutely no room to criticize any one's physical appearance however... I swear I saw a guy in one of my kickboxing classes that looked like a dad-burn leprechaun. Poor dear, he was super short (5 feet or less), really built (like Popeye after the spinach), very pale and bright red hair. Poor thing even had a beard! I swear, it was like looking at the Notre Dame mascot kicking and punching!!

I couldn't stop staring at him during the class. I wanted to know all about him. Where does he work? Does he have a romantic partner? Is he/she taller/shorter? Does he hate St. Patrick's Day? I didn't see a wedding ring, but I hope he as a partner that loves him just the way he is.

Don't even get me started on the people who in the past few weeks have gone from winter-pale to st. tropez-mahogany. i especially love the people who end up matching their skin to their hair. it's like an unbroken plane of brown with teeth and nostrils. nice. i'll keep looking for examples of this phenomenon online...

FINALLY...a reason to blog!

2008-02-19T12:00:00.000-08:00

So after months of pestering by my brother and his girlfriend Jennifer I finally saw the movie "Once". Now, it came and went from the theaters and had been in my Blockbuster.com list for some time and if finally arrived.
HOLY CRAP! What a great movie.
If you love (or like, or even can tolerate) music, this is great. So romantic and lovely and did I mention the music? It's only 86 minutes long so if you're one of those that falls asleep during movies, you might actually stay awake long enough to see it all the way through. Only recommendation I would make is to put on the captions. Charming Irish accents are charming and all that, but with indie-movie sound it's hard to make out what they're saying. LOVE me some captions.
Here's a clip of the Oscar-nominated song that runs through the movie.
Just beautiful. Enjoy....

Good lord. This movie made me have a crush on a REDHEAD for crying out loud!!
Sigh....

me as a more self-conscious jLO!

2008-02-11T09:45:00.001-08:00

i hate jimmy buffet

2007-12-20T13:35:00.000-08:00

add him to my ever-increasing list of annoying singers.
i'm listening to a cd of 601 christmas songs and though i'm strong enough to deal with kenny g, dean martin, the beach boys, bon jovi and 'grandma got run over by a reindeer' it's jimmy buffet that makes me want to puke. i swear i thought it was that other hack james taylor...until the steel drums started in and i realized what i was listening to. ick!

ok...so now kenny g's keyboard person is playing some horrible solo on the casio synthesizer from 1979...perhaps i spoke too soon. come to think of it, that natalie merchant was also droning on a little too long...hmm.

leave the xmas music to the masters: orchestras, tevin campbell, mariah carey and U2.

pickled beeeeeets????

2007-11-07T11:56:00.000-08:00

UGH! So last night I finally broke open the jar of pickled beets that my friend Tonya had given me. Her parents are big into pickling, and I'm big into anything pickeled (pickles, okra, tomatoes, garlic...). It was a match made in pickle heaven...or so I thought. I snacked on the pickled beets Tonya's parents made while I got dinner going (rockfish, sweet potatoes and salad). I LOVED them! Tart, but still sweet. PERFECT!
After dinner James and I had 1/4 pound of Reese's Peanut Butter Cup (more on that in another post), then it was off to bed.
About an hour later I was in bed reading and I had the unmistakable feeling that what I'd eaten was not going to stay put. Sure enough, soon I was barfing my brains out. Now, normally I'm not a big puker, so I have a feeling that it was something I ate. The only thing I ate that James didn't were those beets. Granted, they were tasty and all, but perhaps my system is just not accustomed to the subtleties of pickled beets. I'll have to toss them before they make me toss my dinner again. Hmm. However....I got to enjoy all that Reese's without the caloric intake. Maybe with beets on my side I CAN develop an eating disorder. On second thought, I think not. I'd MUCH rather shop at Lane Bryant and buy Delta Burke clothes than puke. Oh well.

The good news is that after my "episode" I felt 1000% better and was able to go to sleep soon thereafter. Phew!

texas thoughts...

2007-11-01T13:14:00.000-07:00

Here are two new reasons why I don’t think I can move back to texas anytime soon…

1)my friend recently moved to san Antonio from seattle, where she’d been for a few years. She was excited to be back in texas until….she went looking for a new gyno. This process is difficult and humiliating enough (exactly what kind of ‘vibe’ does one want from the person who will be more familiar with the inner workings of your hoo-nanny than anyone else on the planet?! Female? Male? Chatty? Quiet? Funny? Humorless? It’s hard to say. Especially when you consider that your feet will be at a 45 degree angle and spread 9 feet apart during most of your interactions); let alone when the receptionist told her over the phone that the doctor wouldn’t prescribe any birth control unless it was specifically and only to treat a medical condition. The upshot…it was a FEMALE doctor! Unreal. Yes, I know this is happening around the U.S. and is not a Texas-only problem. It just hurts my heart to know this is happening in my beloved Texas--land of Sarah Weddington, the Texan who made Roe v. Wade possible! Sad.

2)We watched ‘Death Proof’ last night (part of the double feature movie by Quentin Tarantino) which was filmed partly in Austin. The first part followed a group of beautiful, young women driving around Austin looking for love, weed, booze and most of all, fun. Boy howdy did that take me back to my life in Austin (in my memories I think of myself as being tall, skinny and beautiful). It occurred to me that I finally understand what my friend Sara used to say about never really wanting to live in Austin again because it just wouldn’t be the same. I never understood that feeling. I always thought that just being in Austin was great and that there would be new memories and new experiences to look forward to. Not to mention the food and the music. However…when I watched those girls live out a more exciting, illicit and provocative version of my college memories (not as much weed, lap dances or lake LBJ houses in my reality, sadly), I realized that what I really wanted from Austin was THAT experience. Yes, the city’s great and just has the most awesome vibe—cool, laidback, cool and did I mention cool??—but I don’t want to live in Austin and live my life now (watching Dancing with the Stars on tv, etc), I want to live in Austin and live the life I had THEN! I want to wear Daisy Dukes, platform sandals, tshirts and have a Shiner attached to one hand and a cigarette (that rarely gets inhaled) to the other. I want to dance all night with strange men and be happy in the knowledge that I’ll go home alone, because I’m a good girl and I have the power to accept or reject men. That’s what was fun. Meeting men, flirting, getting numbers, but mostly knowing that it was all up to ME. Knowing I was young and had years of responsibility and relationships ahead of me and just enjoying where I was—young, healthy, happy, and in Austin. Could I enjoy being a soccer mom in Austin knowing that just around the corner there are 25,000 women living the life I loved? I doubt it. It’s easier to age in a place where I have no history. It’s hard for me to admit it, but maybe this really is where I’m supposed to be. Yes, I’d love to be closer to my friends and family. That’s the hardest part of living so far away. On the other hand, the distance allows me to focus on where I am now and where I’m going and NOT on where I was. Ho hum. I’m getting old and maybe (just maybe) I'm finally growing up.

mutha of all genius!

2007-11-01T09:40:00.000-07:00

ohmyf-inggoodness!!!
who knew those cops were such geniuses?!?!?!
i have in my hands an apple cider cake donut (it's autumn in the northwest and there's apple cider pretty much everywhere you look) and a cup of dunkin donut vanilla coffee (dunkin donuts have been erradicated from the nw [thank you, krispy kreme! :)], but the ground coffee is available at the store). HOLY CRAP!!
To my knowledge i'd never before 'dunked' a donut in coffee. Normally i get the light, fluffy krispy kremes and they just didn't seem well-suited for dunking. honestly, would you ever think to dunk an angel's wing? of course not!
well, let me tell ya. these cake donuts (purchased yesterday from a pumpkin patch type place, so a little stale) are PERFECT for dunking. they're dense, covered in granular sugar and soak up the vanilla coffee just right. HOLLA!!!
damn!! now i have another addiction that is neither good for me nor slimming. oh well. add another couple dozen dimples to my ass and call me a coffee and donut-aholic. i'm done for.

little people, crappy pumpkins

2007-10-22T17:38:00.000-07:00

SO, James and I had our most recent brush with greatness this weekend! We went out to visit the Roloff farm! For those of you with a life, the Roloff farm is famous for 2 things: a pumpkin patch and little people!
The Roloff family is featured in a series on TLC called "Little People, Big World". They live just outside Portland on a farm just off the Helvetia Hwy.
Being big fans of the show (and having nothing else to do on a Sunday afternoon), we drove out, taking advantage of the break in the non-stop rain and had a visit. There was a 2-hr long wait for the tour of the farm (basically you get to see the parts of the farm that are off-limits to pumpkin-pickers)...as seen on TV! We weren't ready to stand around in the mud for 2 hours, so we just poked around the pumpkins. Being that this was the 2nd to last weekend before Halloween, the selection was grim. Most of the pumpkins were either green, moldy or broken. HOWEVER, we DID catch a glimpse of the Roloff mom, Amy glad-handling the people in line for the tour (brush with greatness #1).

Later we went to a different part of the pumpkin patch and saw MR. Roloff himself, Matt! He was riding around on his little cart....AS SEEN ON TV!!!! WOW! (brush with greatness #2).

After giving up on finding a pumpkin that wouldn't ooze all the way home, we went into the little gift shop thing. Boy, what a lack of enthusiasm to take my cash. They basically sold more pumpkins, some tshirts, hats, jelly and a book by Matt. Where were the little knick-knacks you usually find? Oh well... We ended up getting a 12 pound "cinderella" pumpkin to make a pie (or 4!). So cute! Well, guess who ended up taking our money?!?!? MISS MOLLY ROLOFF!!!! WHOA! She was taking pictures with almost everyone who came through her line, poor dear. (brush with greatness #3)
All in all we saw 1/2 of the Roloff family for the price of a pumpkin...$5! Sweet!

Now, if i can just hunt down that doll of a carpenter Andrew Dan-Jumbo to make my TLC-stalking complete. YUM!

Phew!

2007-10-12T16:59:00.000-07:00

Well, the squashing of my mammaries went as well as can be expected and I got a lovely form letter telling my girls are A-ok! Yippee!

Boy, what an experience, though! Unlike any other medical appointment EVER!

1) there was fresh-brewed coffee (this IS the northwest afterall) and hot water for tea on a lovely table with cozy baskets and flower arrangements in the reception area.
2) Once I was asked back to 'where the magic happens', I was asked to disrobe from the waist up and take a seat in the dressing-room type cubby. The curtain on the cubby was a lovely red *actual* curtain that matched the fluffy red throw pillow on the bench. Above there was a wooden shelf with a wicker-type basket, a flower arrangement and (ok, this wasn't lovely) a can of Secret deodorant (you can't wear deo to your mammogram, fyi). Soft, new-age music was playing, it was a delight.
3) I was led to the mammogram room where the lights were turned down all romantic, there were 2 flower arrangements, tons of little baskets full of potpourri, a tabletop water fountain....and a giant white camera/tortilla press for my itty bitty titties.!
4)On each side, 3 pictures were taken. Each time I had to be told to look up. I just couldn't stop staring at how my chicken breasts had been flattened enough to make scallopini
5)Once the pictures had been taken, I was invited to take a look at the images. I must say, I was impressed by how photogenic they are! Though, even in xray form they look tiny. (sigh)
6) I changed back into my clothes and was given a beautiful long-stemmed rose, See's chocolate and a little tiny manicure set!
7) I waited in the reception room long enough to read about Kelly Clarkson's tour schedule (an OLD Allure magazine) and was invited into the 'massage room'.
8) For a short 10 minutes, my shoulders and neck were rubbed enough to make me forget all about my aching boobies.

So, all in all it was a complete delight. If only all appointments involved chocolate, massages and roses!

OMG I'm OLD!

2007-10-03T12:34:00.000-07:00

I just went to my beloved annual 'lady exam' (always a treat, let me tell ya!). Now, normally my old (literally) doctor would start off by saying "well you're at the age where..." then tell me about needing to really think about starting a family...blah blah blah.
Imagine my shock/horror when she says, "well you're at the age where...we need to schedule you for a baseline MAMMOGRAM!!!!" I was still mid-"aww, shucks, I just don't know about all that"-head shake when her words hit my gray matter. MAMMO- WHAT?!?!? I'm "only" 35! Those aren't supposed to start until 40!!! What's next, a hip replacement? I know it's better to get a look-see before 40, but DANG. Combined with the fact that I found myself checking out loose Coldwater-Creek style sweaters instead of the hot-to-trot tops at Nordstroms means I really AM getting old. How did this happen??

So, i'll have to take my old flapjacks in for a squeeze next Tuesday. Should do wonders for my self image. Good thing they'll give me a free neck and shoulder massage afterwards. LOVE that! :)

whoopsee! A whole month went by!

2007-10-01T12:15:00.001-07:00

Holy crap!
I wish I oould say I've been so swamped with work and exciting adventures that I haven't had a chance to blog...but that would be a dad-burn lie. I've just been lazy. Nothing exciting to blog about (because my blog is nothing if not GRIPPING).

A thought did occur to me the other day. I was standing at the airport magazine rack searching for something to occupy my mind during my hour-long flight to Boise for work. I'm at a crossroads in my life.

I've outgrown teen magazines (actually, my last subscription to seventeen expired before i even turned 17!). I have almost no clue who those people are, nor do i care.
I'm not interested in Cosmo...it's more like a college-aged Seventeen magazine, though with a lot more soft-core porn.
There's plenty of fashion/celebrity magazines I sometimes like (Allure, Glamour, etc), but sometimes when I'm working it's just too taxing to be paying attention to the 'best shimmer lotion' or the '$500 trench you MUST have this season'.
When I was getting married, I often got those stupid wedding magazines. 7 of the 12 pounds of the magazine were ads for big poofy dresses. Even so, I just felt like I HAD to get them. It was like a compulsion. What if I missed the 1 little touch that would change my 'big day'?!?! Not much was actually applicable...unless I was a zillionaire with Las Vegas taste.
There are always those 'lifestyle' magazines like Oprah, Martha, Real Simple, etc. Those always make me feel (alternately) like a total slob (the contents of my purse exceed my body weight and don't include anything clean or in working order) or a total hamburger helper (I never cook huge batches of dinner on the weekends then freeze for the week).
I'm not even going to consider the news magazines. Too depressing and infuriating!!
Travel magazines are fun...but it's painful to see all the fabulous places I'll never afford to visit.
Since I'm not pregnant or trying, baby magazines are O-U-T!
So, I'm at that hazy area between young women magazines and old lady magazines (am I really finding myself reading--and enjoying--Redbook at the doctor's office?!?!? holy crap).

thank goodness for britney and angelina jolie. otherwise i'd have to break down and buy something pathetic like Cat Fancy...for those who love (and more than likely only love) cats!

What I love, love, love, love, LOVE!!

2007-09-01T21:12:00.000-07:00

Oh my goodness!!! How much do I love the tv show "Friday Night Lights"?!?!?!?! Well, a hell of a lot more than any words can express, that's for dang sure!

growing up in a small town in texas makes it easier to relate to the football-centered plotlines, but this show has more depth, feeling, emotion and real-ness than anything you're going to find out there.

The promos when it came out last fall were lame, making it look like some cheesy high school sex farce with jocks and cheerleaders. yes, there's sex...but it's not a major plotline, for the most part. just like real high school, there's a lot more going on than just pretty people having sex.

SET YOU CALENDARS...DO WHATEVER COOL THING THERE IS TO DO WITH TIVO....JUST MAKE SURE YOU'RE THERE FOR THE NEXT SEASON!!

Rent the first season to get caught up. I promise, it's one of the very, very few scripted shows on television that's worth watching. It's like a little movie each week. It all starts Friday, Oct. 5.

This clip is not the best quality, but it's pretty good to show how the show works. Each week (i think) there's a football game to prepare for and play. Just like in real-life, the clip starts off fun and exciting...as each play progresses, the tension, music and direction get more and more frenzied. I swear watching it takes me back to sitting in those bleachers, then standing and holding my breath, praying for the perfect throw, catch, run, whatever it took. SO wonderful.

for nbc news on the show: http://www.nbc.com/Friday_Night_Lights/

This show is hanging on by the skin of its teeth. Watch it, love it, tell a friend!
(yes, i'm a geek for this show!)

The C List 1-3

2007-08-29T20:38:00.000-07:00

You know how Oprah has all those things she showcases in her magazine on the "O" list or whatever? Gorgeous, tiny candles for $50, crackers made from saffron and rose petals in a thai orphanage...
Well, I think I can come up with a similar list...on a more modest budget. :)

Today, my #1 favorite thing is the Hanky Panty. They're one size fits all, so no stress about sizes. They're all elastic lace, so they're super comfy, but look feminine. They're thongs, but I swear they're comfy. LOVE em. Only thing is, I caught an unfortunate glance at myself in the mirror this morning and my ass in that lace thong looked like I was trying to strain cottage cheese through a lace curtain. SCARY!

Another love of my life (which, I'm sure contributes to the cottage cheese ass i'm luggin around) is the 100 calorie Hershey snack treat of chocolate covered wafers. VERY much like Kit Kats, but with less guilt. Gotta stick to just 1 packet (2 bars) at a time.

#3 favorite thing is the magazine "Ready Made". It's all about reusing household stuff in fun, creative ways. Not that I'll actually ever do any of it, but I'd like to know how you can take a pair of old-man "slacks" and turn them into a yoga mat bag. Sure doing it yourself only costs $12, but it involves 17 steps!! Shoot, I can drive my cottage cheese ass to Target and get a brand new bag for the same price. AND it wouldn't have that old man smell!

So there you have it. 3 fun things that I just love today. Tomorrow is another day with even more things to love...

p.s. i don't buy that owen wilson was so distraught over losing that ninny Kate Hudson that he'd try to kill himself. i blame drugs and too much ass-play. and that's THAT! mystery solved.

Love this site!

2007-08-21T22:16:00.000-07:00

OMG!!! I just got back from bookclub and this woman had a GREAT resource for happy hour!!
So far this site is only for a few cities (Portland, Seattle, Dallas and a couple other random places nobody cares about), but check it! So you click on your city and then your neighborhood and it tells you all the different places with happy hours, but the cool thing is it tells you the places with happy hours RIGHT NOW, THIS VERY MINUTE! Cool! For instance, at 10:15 pm in Portland, in my neighborhood there are 7 places with happy hours: 4 have beer specials, 3 have food specials, 1 has a wine special, and 1 has specials on food/beer/wine/cocktails! Suh-weet!
Too bad i'm on my bed, in my jammies and watching tv!

ok, go check it out!
www.urbandrinks.com

salud!

my big ole grill!

2007-08-19T19:34:00.000-07:00

Woohoo!! I finally got a giant new grill! I'm so excited! My parents were nice enough to give me a gift certificate for a new barbeque grill for xmas. Last week I finally went out and bought one! It's burning away on our back slab as I type. :)))
As a good old Texan, I am used to 4-ton grills as tall as me with a stockpile of mesquite logs at the ready. Unfortunately, that's harder to find here in hippy-ville Oregon. I tried to keep it as real as I could though....
For this grill, there was only one choice: charcoal. Gas is easier and makes for prettier grills (stainless with shiny, shiny handles), but honestly....gas?!?!? Fool please. My grill is about chest high, weighs about 140 pounds, is matte black, and angular. Just like my men. Oh! Snap! Burn! Holla! Anyway, it's no beauty, but that's part of the charm. A step up from a metal drum just itchin for a brisket.
Speaking of which, I bought 10 pounds of brisket today. Quite a bit for just the 2 of us. I cut it into 3 hunks in order to experiment with the proper care and tending of my beloved brisket. Here's just how far away I am from Texas: I had to ask the butcher to drag out the brisket from the back. The only brisket they had out in the case was that weird corned beef brisket thing that "Irish" people eat for St. Patrick's. WTF is THAT, anyway?!?!
Seeing how I'm hundreds of miles away from mesquite trees, I have to use that charwood charcoal. It's way better than that frat-boy staple, briquets. I shudder to think of what my mesican ancestors would say if I used those little cubes of chemicals. (I have been known to use them, sadly, when the real stuff is not available)
I also intend to remain pure in my barbeque vocabulary. When one prepares hamburgers and hotdogs on a grill, it is a "cookout", NOT a barbeque! These idiots out here use the term bbq loosely. A "barbeque" is when one prepares brisket, ribs (or if you're from Memphis--pork shoulder) on the grill. Learn it. Live it.
Wish me luck as I begin playing around with my new mega-grill. I'm prepping it for a pork tenderloin tonight!

Just like J.Lo

2007-08-08T17:48:00.000-07:00

It’s been my goal for the last few years to become jlo.

Granted, it’s a struggle given that I work in non-profit, am not gifted with skin like an angel, do not have a team of lackeys at my beck and call to make me beautiful 24/7 and have a healthy shame of my enormous arse.

However, I do see Ms. Lopez as my spiritual twin. Unlike that harpy Eva Longoria, JLo is a Latina I can identify with.

Ms. Lo and I have both been "blessed" with larger than average butts. Hers pokes out loud and proud while mine spreads out like a cookie in a hot pan. Advantage, Jennifer!

Ms. Lo and I have both married men who are far skinnier than us. Of course, again Jenny had to go and out-do me by marrying a skeletal crypt-keeper. I’d say, advantage me! However, it does bruise the ego when one of your co-workers points this weight differential out by saying, “Wow. He’s way skinnier than you!” bee-atch.

(yikes!)

Jenny from the Block and I are both of ‘a certain age’ and remain childless. Because of this, we share frequent rumors of our being pregnant—hers because she’s photographed wearing a skintight leather Balenciaga pencil-skirt and has (shock-horror) a tiny POOCH! Whereas I have been asked now multiple times if I am pregnant (just Monday, as a matter of fact) because I was seen wearing my fat jeans and a shirt that used to fit but now buckles at the buttons. Um…totally advantage Jennifer!

So, I have tried in vain to model myself after Jennifer Lopez. I’ve grown my hair out in hopes of having Gigli hair (my goodness, her hair is the absolute STAR of that movie). I swear she must have fake hair. There’s no way I can get my hair to be that dang voluminous! I have a lot of hair, but it’s so fine! I need to get that Paves guy to move in so I can have those waves, those highlights, that bounce, that shine…..makes me tingle all over.

When I was shopping for earrings to wear for my wedding, I tried and tried to find some JLo ones that would go. Sadly, they were all giant heart-shaped hoops with rhinestones. I don’t even know where to begin with the reasons why that’s just not me. I ended up with something very anti-JLo— dangly, yes, but small, no sparkles. I think I’d like her more upscale line, Sweetface, but….um. That’s not offered at the mall or at Ross like the JLo line.

I have vowed for years that (like JLo) I will one day buy a giant tub of La Mer and cover myself head-to-toe for that glorious skin of hers. I’m still waiting to have a few extra hundred bucks lying around, though. Sigh. For now, I’m putting the “Low” in JLo and going with Bath and Body Works.

Thankfully my astute parents have put me on the path of Jenny-ness by getting me all sorts of JLo perfume, moisturizers, and even a purse (free with fragrance purchase)! My grandmother somehow even found a JLo scarf that I just love…. in Alice Texas!

So, step by step I will morph into Jennifer Lopez. I’m starting post-Bennifer. It’s way easier to keep up with her now that she’s not running around on boats with PDiddy, making out in Bentleys with Ben Affleck or…shuffling wet-toast-Chris Judd around to make sure he holds her purse. I like this new quiet, modest JLo. Not sure I buy her new music, though. She was more fun, musically, as JLo. It was easier to hide her weak vocals in dance music than these Spanish ballads. Chica, por favor!

Hey! That’s another way we’re the same! Neither of us can sing! We can both dance like rockstars, though. She doesn’t need to be hammered, though. I realize I dance like Elaine from Seinfeld, but what I lack in dancing talent I make up in enthusiasm…and KICKS! Not enough dance moves involve kicks as far as I’m concerned!

Alrighty, I’m off to get in line for “El Cantante”. Her makeup and hair in the commercials look spectacular!

Fricken Eva and Tony!!

2007-07-11T22:47:00.000-07:00

I spoke to my parents the other night and they said that the Corpus news was reporting that Eva and Tony were going to TURKS AND CAICOS on their dang honeymoon!!!!!!
That's where I went!!!! They totally stole my idea. This after that moronothon Tom Cruise steals my fantasy destination of Maldives!!!!! UGH!
Apparently Tony and Eva flew on a private jet from Miami and are staying somewhere where it costs $10,000 a night, so it's VERY similar to my experience (HA!!). Whatever.
Not that i'm jealous....who'd want to be stuck on the beach with....a strapping young athlete......having every whim indulged by servants......ok. That does make me jealous. Hmmph.

One day I'll snag an NBA baller and the rest of my days will be filled with shoes, lip gloss and a high tolerance for my spouse cheating on me while on the road. As long as I get a ring like Kobe's wife...I'm GOOD!

sad!

2007-07-11T22:44:00.000-07:00

Lady Bird Johnson died! Bless her heart, she was 94 years old and had had a stroke a while back, was blind and pretty feeble...but she was Lady Bird.
Poor dear.

Who currs about Tony and Eva?!?!

2007-07-10T16:00:00.000-07:00

Not me, that's for dang sure!! (though the fact that I've devoted a rare post to these nincompoops suggests otherwise)

That skank is from fricken Corpus Christi, Texas....and she gets married in FRANCE?!?! WTF?!?! Ohhhhh. Tony Parker is Fraunch. That actually makes it even worse! What self-respecting Texan forsakes her homeland to get married in FRANCE of all places?!?! Anywhere else in the world would have been better. Gettin married in a minidress on Friday then the religious ceremony in a mermaid dress...SKANK! Havin a reception in a dang castle...played out (ever heard of Madonna? Tom Cruise? puhleeze). FIREWORKS?!?!? CHHHHHEEEEEEEESSSSSSYYYYYYYY!!!!!! Look what fireworks did to Brad and Jen's marriage. Doomed it. Right from the beginning.

Am I jealous?! Heck no! I guaran-dang-tee you this blessed event will end miserably and all they'll have are the global newspapers reporting on how much they spent vs. how long they were married. HA! You think an athelete and a soap star (honestly, she went from AM to PM, but she's still in soaps)have a long and happy future together? Imagine their conversations: "Blahblahblahblah le basketball she feeeeelze me wit passion", "Blahblahblahblah my shoes", "Blahblahblahblah le foul shots mock me", "Blahblahblahblah my weight". My skin is a-cah-RAWLIN!
Eventually he'll get old and unable to play. She'll get old and unable to find roles. Soon they'll be unemployed, bored, frustrated, and THEN the fireworks will begin. Let's just hope they don't procreate. Though he/she would be gorgeous, of average height, and average physical abilities, he/she would most likely be dim. Hmm. Sounds like most people I love to watch on television. Maybe they should go ahead and pop out some beautiful numbskulls. They amuse me.

Do not give these incredibly boring 'celebrities' any attention until their offspring is able to model for the cover of Teen People. At least when JLo and Ben were planning their wedding it was EXCITING. For being so exotically attractive, these dolts are as interesting as wet toast*.

Gotta skat. Hopefully i'll have more to report on who NOT to pay attention to tomorrow.

*fyi: "wet toast" is my ultimate measurement of boredom (like the pink Power Ranger girl that sucked the life out of the show, Felicity).

you know you're getting fat and old when...

2007-06-29T12:12:00.000-07:00

so it's occured to me recently that though i don't FEEL or really think of myself as "fat" or "old", I'm starting to experience things that indicate I'm fatter and older than I'd like to admit.

Such as...

1) I was asked if i was pregnant. always a winner at the #1 spot. i wasn't terribly upset at the time, but the poor girl who asked me was mortified. it was more of a slow-burn of humiliation. how many other people had wondered the same thing but were too sensible to ask?!?! mental note: do 100 crunches a day
2) Skinny people generally don't HAVE to try on clothes. I used to NEVER try on clothes, unless it was a swimsuit or something like that. If it was a size x and i liked it, it was mine. Now each stupid tshirt needs to be tried on. 'does it make my stomach pooch?', 'does it make my ass look fat?' Puh-leeze. as if the poor factory slaves in southeast asia are deliberately sewing to highlight my gut and booty. they probably look at all the enormous clothes they make for us and think we're giant monsters.
3) I hate to shop. this is a new feeling. i used to love to look at clothes, think about clothes, and occasionally buy clothes. now i hate it. i hate shopping because i have to look at all the sleeveless tops and say, 'oh that woulda been cute about 15 pounds ago'
4) I dread summer. even living in the moderate northwest it gets hot. My summertime staples of sleeveless tops and shorts are loooooong gone. i'm now into capris and flowy tops...all to hide as much of my girth as possible. ugh. i don't even wear shorts to the gym--too much cellulite and jiggly thighs
5) I focus my attention on areas of my body that don't gain weight: nails, shoes and purses. i still stick with my absolute favorites, but i enjoy shoe/purse shopping. manicures and pedicures at my local little vietnam are essential. so far i haven't outgrown those, yet! yippee!
6) i used to buy makeup for fun: lipstick, eyeshadow, whatever. now when i buy makeup i'm more concerned with how it looks with my crows feet, bags under the eyes, forehead wrinkles etc. i never gave a thought to lipstick 'feathering'...you know what that means?!?! it's when the lipstick bleeds into the little tiny wrinkles around your lips. deeeee-lightful! not to worry, there's a product for that. along with the makeup 'primers' i now own to keep the makeup from settling into my 'laugh lines'. i used to need concealer only for zits. now it pretty much goes everywhere. soon i'll be like the old ladies at the walgreens asking for the 'pancake makeup stick'. i'll be trotting around the store with piles of it in my jiggly arms (old-lady 'wings')
7) i'm more interested in ladies magazines like real simple than cosmo. i really don't want to read about jessica biehl's sexy ab workout...tell me how to make rice pudding with ice cream (for reals!!!)
8) i used to say "there'll always be somebody skankier than you" when you go out. now i say "there'll always be somebody older and fatter than you" when I go out....if i ever go out. ho hum. forget skank--i've got the soccer-mom life but without the kids and responsibilities.
9) i find myself calling girls under 30 "little girls"...just like my mama did when i was a kid! "Oh, that little girl at Casual Corner said this blouse will be on sale next week". Replace "casual corner" and "blouse" with "target" and "giant muu muu" and it's exactly the same!!!
10) i have a LOT more understanding of the comic strip Cathy. She was always going on about shoes, dieting, her thighs, her pet and lasagna...no, that was garfield.

ok. gotta get a grip. i'll look back on this ass and age and say 'WTF was i crying about?!?!' just like i do at pictures of me at 25 when i pretty much would have said the same thing....
better go watch tv and eat cereal. just like a 6 year old! :)

UNINTENTIONAL Hoof in Mouth...a downer

2007-06-27T16:59:00.001-07:00

ok, so shouting bigoted, uneducated, terribly tasteless comments from my inner-most id has gotten me in trouble plenty of times.
Sadly, my considerable talents in deducing others' most sensitive and painful topics continues. These accidental and completely ignorant outbursts bother me more than any 'hair on your balls' or 'no way, jew' ever will.
i guess i should have more awareness that the women i associate with are often of child-bearing age and with that comes a need to be evermore delicate. not my strong suit.
example number 1: a few months ago my husband's friends were staying with us. they had photos and copious notes about their cat's new litter of kittens. the wife, a complete doll named jenny, is a pediatric nurse and took her job as surrogate co-mommy very very seriously. each kitten had it's every meal, bm and nap lovingly documented...for weeks. after about an hour and a half of listening to her devotion i blurted out, 'jenny, you need to just hurry up and have kids, already!' ha...freakin....ha. she blushed and just muttered something like, 'yeah....anyway, so here's a picture of "fatty" smothering her brothers' or something. as james and i were getting ready to go to sleep, i remarked at jenny's obvious baby fever and james informed me that they HAD been trying for some time to conceive and after months of frustration they'd decided to relocate across the country so jenny's husband john could take a job where invitro fertilization was covered by insurance. holy crap!!!!! i had no idea! this little tidbit could have saved me and poor jenny a lot of embarassment and pain! he coulda/shoulda mentioned it!!!!! he's clueless.

example number 2: last night (oh yes, it's so fresh i can still taste the tang of shame)i was with some colleages out in the boise metro area. i mentioned that one of my friends had decided the financial hardships of attempting IVF were beyond their means. i went on to blurt (love me some blurting) that it was more common than not that women i knew had trouble conceiving...blah, blah, blah. Well, come to find out (after 2 bottles of wine poolside at the holiday inn) that one of my colleauges had miscarried at 14 weeks and this week would have been her due date. OOOOOOOOUUUUUUCCCCCCHHHHHH!!!! between that and the red wine headache, i couldn't sleep. i kept replaying everything i'd said during our trip about babies. poor girl!!!

i wish i could say that i vow to never blurt out anything that could be painful, but i can't. if only i could use my uncanny talents at intuiting pain for good and not evil.
:(
feeling sad and very very insensitive.

could be worse. i coulda gone on a racist tirade about Katrina-victims over a huge family thanksgiving dinner like my aunt. guess loose tongues and bad judgment run in our family.

hoof in mouth disease

2007-06-26T21:53:00.000-07:00

omg!!! how many times do i need to insert my dang-old foot in my mouth before i learn to self-edit before speaking?!?!?!
holy moly!
of course, my most famous example of accidentally saying the wrong thing was in college...probably my last month of college. i had become friends with a sweet gal named natalie, who was jewish. she happened to live with her sister marci and her dog maggie. after spending some time at her place studying, i was on my way out when little dog maggie made for the door. now. this was spring of 1994, things were different then...i meant to say either (1) "no way, G" as heard in 'New Jack City' or (2) "no way, dude" as heard in...well everywhere. my stupid brain decided to combine the two and say: "no way, jew!" after an awkward 'ok, gotta go', i made my exit. ooooooppppppsss!! felt like a total dork and semi-anti.semite for a while there.

my uncanny ability to say (and do) the wrong thing continues. just recently i went to lunch with a few of my colleauges: 2 people from washington d.c. who are muckety-mucks in Early Childhood Education, my former boss lilli (with a masters in early childhood education), and my current boss diane who taught early childhood education for many years. after about an hour of calm, uneventful dining the conversation turned to 'why the town of milton-freewater, oregon has adopted frogs as their mascot'. well, i coulda/shoulda kept my ignorant ass quiet. instead i piped up that somebody had tried to explain the connection but that it was a "....RETARDED" explanation. as valid as my assessment had been, the word 'retarded' is clearly as anit-PC or appropriate as possible. Once I had articulated the 'ret' part, i was stuck. the only thing worse than screaming 'retarded' to a table-ful of early educators (2 of whom have children with special needs--oh yeah, i was squirming) is trying to turn 'retarded' into a more socially and developmentally acceptable word. i ended up with 'ridiculous' but it was after crucial moments of stammering and sweating. if i last a year in my new position as 'education specialist' (i.e. goddess of educational practices in our organization) it will be a miracle.
ugh.

oh, did i mention that my 75+ year old great aunt heard/saw me say 'it'll put hair on your balls' just hours after my grandmother (her sister) died?!?!?! i'm horrible.
i truly don't mean any harm. i just have no internal censor.
where's my fundraiser?!

aller-frickin-gies!!!

2007-06-22T23:05:00.000-07:00

uh...mah...gawd!!!!!
i am a wreck from these dang allergies!! when i was younger i used to look down on people who were weak and sickly because of allergies (came from my dad who used to make fun of high school boyfriend ralph and his many allergies). i just thought it was something that wusses complained about. karma's a bee-atch!
when i first moved to oregon, all the transplants said that it would take a few years to develop allergies. what they failed to mention was that instead of getting used to it, your body seems to get worse and worse! i've been here over 7 years now (OMG time flies!) and it's worse this year than ever before!!
i take a claritin in the morning (it's supposed to be 12 hours) and by the afternoon i'm sneezing with snot running down my face. great. i've been self-medicating with cheap red wine, but that just makes me sweat....while sneezing with snot running down my face. i'm a freakin delight! i have kleenex at every stage of use (clean, a little used, used, VERY used) in all my jackets and pockets. guh-ross!
i went to a scrapping function* the other night and the lady offered my a claritin. how mentally challenged am i that i never thought of taking a 2nd dang pill!?!?! holla! i ended up needing another one a few hours later, but the point was made.
i'm now that loser that has a NASAL spray (nasonex) in her purse at all times. i haven't used it, but knowing it's there seems to make me feel better. i reckon i'm afraid to use the nasal sprays because (1) in spanish it's pronounced "espr-eye" which is weird to say (remarkable how often i speak spanish during the day) and (2) it reminds me of my freshman year band director.
Mr. Vanlandingham was an obese gentleman who every couple of minutes or so would whip out his nasal spray and go to work. it was just a quick 'spritz-spritz', but it certainly made an impact. i've always heard it's addictive, but dang. there are way sexier addictions!
i'm also afraid i'm becoming one of them 'mouth-breathers'. those people always grossed me out, but i find myself able to only breathe comfortably through my mouth. eww.
i hate to say it, but i blame my itchy eyes 100% on my angel-kitty beso. thank goodness for james' allergy visine. isn't it amazing how white your eyes can be with visine?! holy moly!

lord help me if my nightly glass(es) of wine are contributing to my allergies. i guess i'll just have to wear a bib and mop my eyes/nose with it...

*the scrapping function was held at the home of a woman who hooked me up with the online scrapping thing i've tried to do. she and her husband adopted 2 babies from china and are all into the adopted-chinese-girls community in portland. the other ladies there had also adopted babies...one from china and one from bulgaria. they were also elementary teachers!! it was nice to chat with them, but it was better to get home and do my work without Barney singing in the background.

Lawd, i live in craka-town

2007-06-18T19:57:00.000-07:00

So this happened a few days ago but it's still with me...
I was driving home through our neighborhood on the side-streets and I saw something horrendous.
See, I live in an "up and coming" part of Portland....(realtors use that phrase for crap-neighborhoods). At the nearest intersection there's a convenience store, a tire store, a mom-and-pop head shop/Meth-supply store and an abandoned teacher supply store. Only there can you find a selection of 20 different kinds of gloves as well as cleaning fluids. Before that it was a "gentleman's juice bar" called the "420 Club"...delightful.
Yes, a meth house was raided and boarded up down the street...yes, a television was found on the sidewalk across the street from our house (its screen 'tagged' within a few hours), yes our new neighbors apparently don't believe in paying to have trash service, so they pile it up in their driveway (at least they removed the toilet from the backyard the previous owners had out there) and no, we have no plans to move anytime soon. Such is the state of housing prices in Portland.

ANYWAY...I was driving home and I noticed a little boy (probably about 7 or 8) standing on the steps in front of his house looking up at his mom and grandmother (like many homes in the area, the front yard is a steep hill, so there are steps from the street to the front door). As soon as my mind was able to process the thought that "oh, isn't that just darling? A child and his female kin enjoying spring at dusk" I realized that "grandma" was laughing....at the child.....who was PEEING onto the steps above him!!!!!!

WTF?!?!?!? Where do I even begin?!
Do I start with granny who's reinforcing this abyssmal behavior by laughing? Or maybe with the limited intellectual abilities of a child who pees UPSTAIRS...clearly having no idea of the law of gravity. Or the hideous thought that the ease with which the participants perform indicates this is a common ocurrence. OR, perhaps the most disturbing of all....if I ever have children and send them to school in this area....these are the idiots who could be my future child's friend/bully!! Makes me rethink (1) having children (2) homeschooling

I've seen numerous Super Nanny programs where the boys leak outside.
I pray for a girl.

yo humps!

2007-06-17T11:58:00.000-07:00

HA! Thanks, Sara for turning me on to the Alanis version of 'My Humps'!!
LOVE IT!
The Black Eyed Peas version is just ridiculous, but I love how Alanis kept all the goofy stuff--the dude doing an invisible rubik's cube (!), the fergie hairdon't, and the schlubby guys dancing around her. However, when she's on the floor crying...OMG. GENIUS!!!!
I've never been a big Alanis fan, but this may have just converted me!!
Lord, that Fergie is annoying. She's the absolute definition of a bruiser! Ugh...she is ROUGH!

i hate tori amos

2007-06-15T17:05:00.000-07:00

(just one more thing before i head out)
i had an unusually wild hair a while back and put ‘cornflake girl’ by tori amos on my ipod. I swear I musta been on crack. Each time it comes up on shuffle, I’m mystified.
For the most part I hate : female vocalists, piano music, hippy music that drones on and on and music that talks about fairies and magic. This girl violates so many of my rules that I don’t know how I ever sought out that dang song! Maybe I have that disorder where I do weird stuff in my sleep, but instead of trying to kill my husband or eating an entire turkey I download crap songs by pretentious redheads.

check this s#%@!!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BUZdDgxiNuE

From Wikipedia (referring to her album “Beekeeper”) "…Amos was conceptually influenced by the ancient art of beekeeping, which she considered a source of female inspiration and empowerment. Through extensive study, Amos also wove in the stories of the Gnostic gospels and the removal of women from a position of power within the Christian church to create an album based largely on religion and politics. Many fans and critics, however, have argued that the concept is unclear and confusing.”

Um. Duh. That woman’s a total nutter! Good thing this music career of hers has panned out, otherwise she’d be living in a group home talking to the walls about bees, the Gnostic gospels and raisin vs. cornflake girls. Makes me TIRED.

Another of my more inspired Ipod selections is “Show Me Love” by Robin S. Now that s@#* is all about female inspiration and empowerment…and it makes me wanna dance. Unlike that cornflake song…that’s just f-ed up.

love me, love my sticky fingers

2007-06-15T16:12:00.000-07:00

So I’ve decided to try to think of something ‘bloggable’ each day. As |’ve previously said about scrapbooking: “if it ain’t worth scrapping, it ain’t worth doing”. I’ll try to do the same with blogging.

So you get the picture that I’m a ‘scrapper’…despite sounding tough and “xtreme”, it’s actually a supremely nerdy hobby. It’s great for holy rollers, shut-ins and MILFs (if you take out the ILF part). You get to sit on your ass all day and glue pictures of your kids in Halloween costumes. At the end of the process you have marvelously detailed books documenting your life…while you’ve spent most of it hunched over piles of cardstock (NEVER call it ‘paper’) and hording scraps of ribbon and adhesive (NEVER call it ‘glue’).

As I don’t have children and due do the fact that I’m not a holy roller*, my scrapbooks are limited to trips, my family/friends, and of course, my cat. This is every bit as fascinating as it sounds. My cat’s first doctor visit and haircut are lovingly scrapped as well as her first ‘birthday’ (the anniversary of when she was adopted) and the kitty ‘shower’ I threw for myself before she was adopted. I know it all sounds pathetic and sad, but frankly…I don’t curr (dirty-south for ‘care’ of course). At least I don’t have “Cathy” comics pasted to my computer screen at work!

More later. I gotta get home and scrap. I heard about a scrapbook sidewalk sale in a nearby suburb! Holla!
-c

(*tangent alert: so after I’d just started working at this horrible software company in 2000 I went to happy hour with some of my new colleagues—at a tiki bar across the street from motels for bus drivers and their….um…”new friends”—and was asked “are you a holy roller?” after having not been asked a single question all evening. I answered, “oh hell no!”, but I always wondered what the appropriate response would have been if I had, in fact, been a ‘holy roller’…who hangs out at tiki bars in sketchy parts of town)

Here we go!

2007-06-13T17:26:00.000-07:00

Thanks, Sara, for hooking me up! Let's see what kind of nonsense I can get myself into.
Don't expect much, though! :))

It's ON!

2007-06-13T14:10:00.001-07:00

Let's go smarty britches!! You have far too much to say to keep that pie hole shut away from the internet.
Let us all revel in your gift of wit.
Git 'er done.